I’ve been allowed to see the plans for Donald Trump’s inauguration in advance – this is what will really happen

The new President Trump will discuss how he plans to build a wall between what he does as Commander-in-Chief and his businesses. The wall will be about three feet high and his sons will run the Trump Organisation from the other side of that wall in the Oval Office. He promises to put the wall up as soon as Mexico pays for it

Erich McElroy@erichmcelroy
Sunday 15 January 2017 12:46
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Folks, all I can say is that day will be so special it will leave the world open-mouthed (Getty)
Folks, all I can say is that day will be so special it will leave the world open-mouthed (Getty)

For some it will be met with fear, and others with joy, but there is no question that the world will never be the same after the inauguration of Donald J Trump as President of the United States. This campaign has been anything but normal, so what does that mean for the actual Inauguration Day? What can we expect? And why hasn’t BuzzFeed leaked something about it yet?

Luckily, I’ve been able to get an advance copy of the inaugural itinerary, which highlights the main parts of this historic day. BuzzFeed aren’t the only ones who are friends with MI6 agents. Let’s just say you learn a lot on the school run.

The whole event will be non-traditional right from the start.

The Arrival

Trump will be arriving by helicopter, instead of a motorcade. The helicopter won’t land to drop him off: it will hover over the Capitol Building, and Trump will jump down to the platform using only his hair as a parachute.

The Oath

The incoming president will start the ceremony by swearing an oath on the Bible. He gets to choose the bible he uses. And that will be first edition print of his bible, The Art of the Deal.

The Speech

After taking the oath, Trump will make his first address to the nation as President. In Russian.

Normally the speech is quite long but Donald’s one will only be delivered in statements that are 140 characters each.

Trump will promise to do everything he can to make America great again. If it doesn’t work, he will do what he’s done so successfully with many of his previous businesses, and declare bankruptcy.

The new President Trump will discuss how he plans to build a wall between what he does as president and his businesses. The wall will be about three feet high and his sons will run the Trump Organisation from the other side of that wall in the Oval Office. He promises to put the wall up as soon as Mexico pays for it.

In the speech he will also announce his updated list of US allies and enemies. It is based on people who say nice things about him. The naughty list countries will be bombed into lumps of coal.

As a tribute to his wife Melania, the last half of the speech will be copied from a previous president: Richard Nixon.

The Family

Trump’s entire family will join him for the event, his children and the new First Lady. But the plan isn’t for Melania to be a typical First Lady in the White House. In fact, she won’t even be in the White House: she’s staying in New York. Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, will take on the duties normally done by the President’s wife. Donald’s really looking forward to that.

The Celebration

After the speech, the party starts. Trump has had a hard time getting celebrities to commit to the festivities, although I’m still waiting for a call. I’m sure they just don’t have my new number.

His spokesperson has said this inauguration doesn’t need a lot of celebrities anyway, because, as the figurehead of The Apprentice, Trump is the biggest of them all. Most people in the White House will be hoping for a quick firing.

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The plan is to make the whole ceremony a more sensual affair. Which makes sense since having affairs is something Donald has experience in.

History is Made

It is quite a transition – just this week millions watched President Obama’s farewell address with tears in their eyes, I would imagine they will also have tears in their eyes at Trum’s inauguration, but for different reasons.

Many in the US are looking forward to the historic day, because it is only after he becomes the President that his formal impeachment can begin.

Erich McElroy is a UK-based American pundit and comedian

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