We live on a planet bound by resolute, scientific principles and concrete facts. Up is up, down is down and blatant lies are blatant lies. It’s all pretty straightforward, actually. But as the days and weeks slowly wither to ash, it’s become increasingly clear that Donald Trump doesn’t live on the same planet that you and I have been occupying all this time.
You see, in Donald Trump’s dystopian and suspiciously orange world, all truths are totally subjective – and everybody is a pathological liar with the memory of a haggard old goldfish. It’s the only possible explanation left after this week’s anomalous FBI pantomime performance.
In case you haven’t been paying attention, on Tuesday the President sent one of America’s most crucial institutions into a full-blown crisis mode after pulling the rug out from under FBI director James Comey. Absolutely nobody outside Trump’s inner-circle saw it coming – and the White House rationale for dismissing Comey confused political pundits from all sides of the political spectrum.
According to the Trump team, James Comey was an incompetent and loud-mouthed loose cannon nobody liked. He was far too conceited and big-headed to run a government institution, and the guy didn’t have a proper mandate for any of his unpopular actions. Sound familiar?
It took Comey’s replacement all of a few hours to rubbish those claims, but whatever. Kellyanne Conway convinced us we should ignore whatever the FBI was saying, and promised none of this had anything to do with reports that Comey repeatedly refused to swear an oath of fealty to the President – and it definitely, definitely had nothing to do with the former FBI director launching a very public investigation into the Trump team's alleged dodgy dealings with the Kremlin.
In fact, our benevolent alien overlord only gave Comey the heave-ho because the US Attorney General made him do it. If Trump had gotten his way, things could have worked out a lot better for everybody.
Or that was the narrative for about half a day, anyway.
By Thursday night, Donald Trump appeared on the ultra-fake NBC News to tell us “this Russian thing” actually played a huge role in his decision to send Comey packing. But then again, maybe it didn’t – because several minutes into the exact same interview, Trump sternly declared the FBI hadn't even been investigating him in the first place.
Apparently, this whole thing has just been the Democrats trying to distract hard-working patriots with pesky “alternative facts”. The President said Comey privately reassured him on three separate occasions that nobody in Washington actually believed Trump has anything to do with Vladimir Putin or seedy Russian saboteurs, and this so-called investigation we keep going on about doesn't even exist.
All those committee hearings and congressional subpoenas we’ve been watching? Didn’t happen. Cabinet members resigning over secret talks with an old KGB spy recruiter? Liberal paranoia. And FBI director James Comey telling the world on live television that Trump and his team were under formal investigation for allegedly colluding with Russian hackers to steal the presidency? A figment of the globe’s twisted and deviously left-wing imagination.
Is this even real life?
Every time Donald Trump utters a single syllable, he tarnishes the integrity of his sacred station that much more. He treats voters like mindless meat bags incapable of independent thought, and whimsically wields his presidential powers like a toddler might curiously pull a cat’s tail. He’s got no clue how the world is supposed to work – and if nothing else, the repulsive duplicity he’s demonstrated over the past four months has proven he doesn’t very much care how it’s supposed to work, either.
In Donald Trump's imaginary world, this entire presidency is nothing but some sort of sick alien experiment to discover just how many lies it takes to bring the White House crashing down. At this point, he can't be too far away from finding that out.
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