Thank you, America, for letting us tag along in this Syrian war

The thought of the French playing le poodle in Syria for the second time when it’s our job – it doesn’t bear thinking about

Hey Uncle Donald!

We just wanted to say thanks for letting us join in the international p***ing contest you started after Vlad’s half-tamed Syrian thug got out of line.

We were feeling a bit lonely here on our island because we’ve alienated just about all of our allies and it would have been too much were it just Emmanuel Macron who got to talk tough about red lines and play at being your BFF.

The thought of the French playing le poodle in Syria for the second time when it’s our job – it doesn’t bear thinking about.

Just so you know, this is how we plan to play it over the next few days.

We’ll continue to make a big fuss while crying crocodile tears for the Syrians who got gassed, even though, like you, we’re not having them rock up on our shores if they decide to flee the carnage. We’ll leave that to Angela Merkel!

We’ll have a load of emergency cabinet meetings and get the media to photograph and film us looking all serious and grave on the way in and out.

We’re hoping all this will give our people the impression that we’re statesmen and women rather than the worst government in British political history. I’m sure you know how that feels.

We’re especially hoping Boris Johnson – that’s the blond guy who people say is just like you with a thesaurus – will get the chance to establish some credibility here if not abroad. He bears the most responsibility for the rest of the world thinking we’re almost as bad as you!

Our plan is to put him in front of the TV cameras to justify what we’re doing, with a bit of bluster. If there’s anyone who can make Boris look like something other than a train wreck with as difficult a relationship with the truth as you have, it’s Bashar al-Assad!

Don’t worry about our parliament making trouble, and the oppo making a fuss about the fact that we’re basically just making things go bang to no great purpose.

I know we’ve made a load of noise about it being sovereign and everything, but we’ve got no problem with ignoring our MPs if that’s what it takes. As for the rule of law? Well, we can have a laugh about that together later.

If we start getting serious pushback from Corbyn and co, we’ll puff out our chests, fill ourselves up with faux outrage and accuse his rabble of being unpatriotic. We might even get Theresa to cuddle up to the union flag like you do with the stars and stripes, if that’s what it takes.

If you want, we could have Boris fly over for a game of golf and a chin-wag later this week or next.

To be honest, things tend to run more smoothly for us when he’s not around, and it’ll give the two of you the chance to discuss strategies for dealing with the media fallout if things get sticky and we start killing the wrong people, as always seems to happen on these occasions.

We’ll probably need to finesse our message in the coming days because we both know that dropping bombs and firing missiles will accomplish nothing other than making an even bigger mess of the place. We both know it’d be easier to get out of one of your super max prisons with a toothpick than it would be to get Assad out of Damascus. But we don’t want our people to start thinking that this is dangerous and stupid adventurism any more than you want yours to.

What matters here is sending a message and letting the world know it has to follow our rules. The guidance we were thinking of putting out is that you can kill as many people as you want but you’re only allowed to use conventional weapons.

We could point people in the direction of what happened to the Rohingya people in Myanmar if they get confused as to the boundaries: let them know that’s what they’re allowed to get away with. What d’you think?

Above all, we want to reassure you that we’ll stay the course with you, come what may. Even if the situation escalates, and we both start losing servicemen and women. Like you, we just pretend to care about them.

The side benefit is that elections are so much easier to win if they start coming home in body bags and everyone gets hyped up on nationalism and war fever!

Anyway, have fun in Mar-a-Lago and hit a hole in one for us.

We’ll be sure to have Boris remember his clubs when he comes over.

Your obedient servant (and best bud when it suits you),

The British government