Leading article: Fruitless

Better suck in that stomach, because according to a new report by the Food Standards Agency, 10 years of government healthy eating campaigns have had depressingly little effect on what we eat. It turns out that our diets are more or less as unhealthy as they were a decade ago.

But it's not just ministers who must be feeling crestfallen at that news. What about the celebrity chefocracy? All those thousands of television hours watching Jamie and Gordon and others prepare delicious and nutritious salads were in vain. We paid lip service to the need for five-a-day, but when it came down to it, we preferred the Twizzler to the tofu.

Still, let's not give up hope. The Prime Minister is reportedly swapping his daily KitKat ration for bananas. And we know what a fan the Foreign Secretary is of the same fruit. With political leadership like that, we confidently predict that the national waistline will be shrinking by 2050 at the very latest.