Mustn't grumble

Warm enough for you? Bit too much for us, frankly. Fourteen hours of sunshine in Scarborough the other day. And Herne Bay was nearly as hot as Bermuda. What we need is some rain, a bit of cool breeze.

Warm enough for you? Bit too much for us, frankly. Fourteen hours of sunshine in Scarborough the other day. And Herne Bay was nearly as hot as Bermuda. What we need is some rain, a bit of cool breeze.

The farmers aren't happy, you know. How long has this been going on now? If we wanted this sort of weather, we'd queue up for eight hours at Gatwick, sit with our knees under our chin and the reclining seat in front in our face for three hours, miss the courier at Malaga airport and end up in a half-built leisure complex in Alicante. It's not natural.

We blame global warming. Mind you, the weather's not really been the same since they landed on the moon, has it? Watch out for that wasp! This sort of heat will be twisting the railway lines like so much spaghetti, too.

Nightmare getting to work on Monday, bound to be. And can you smell that? Hunter-gatherers out in force again with their briquettes. Must be doing tandoori chicken next door. Just look at that grass. Sprinklers on. Not long now before the first hosepipe-ban joke.

The coast? You'd never get past the ring road. Tarmac melting by now. Still, mustn't grumble. Pass the sunblock, Alice.