On the ball

Friday 31 May 2002 00:00 BST
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Here we go. Bring on the world! Our sofas can take it! Sorry? Ah, you're one of those people who think that the flag of St George on all those vans and trucks has got something to do with the jubilee. Or you're Scots. Or Welsh. Or Northern Irish. Sorry. Ignoring it, though, is not an option. Lofty disdain will be no protection against mockery and incomprehension. You will be shunned; no one will talk to you.

But we can help. Here is a list of useful phrases. You don't have to understand them; to deliver them, though, will be to see a new respect in the eyes of friends, colleagues and family.

1. "We need someone in the hole." 2. "You've got to watch the near stick." 3. "If we push up, we mustn't drop off and get caught out at the back early doors." 4. "I'm gutted. That Swede's a turnip." 5. "So. Germany 2006, then."

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