Saints alive

To be sure, everyone likes a knees-up. But we're a little underwhelmed by tomorrow's big St Patrick's Day parade in London. Nothing against the saint himself, you understand. He did a wonderful job, clearing the snakes out of Ireland; we're just not quite so sure about the metropolis.

To be sure, everyone likes a knees-up. But we're a little underwhelmed by tomorrow's big St Patrick's Day parade in London. Nothing against the saint himself, you understand. He did a wonderful job, clearing the snakes out of Ireland; we're just not quite so sure about the metropolis.

And there are St Patrick's Day parades by the yard: why another, in London? Anyone would think that the Mayor had some sort of political agenda, when it's clear that he hasn't got much of an agenda at all, at all.

No, let's find another saint for London to march by. But not its patron, St Paul, who, though possessed of many sterling qualities, could not in conscience be termed a fun-loving guy.

Our suggestions: St Urban of Langres, patron saint against blight and of, by happy coincidence, champagne-bottlers; St Leonard of Noblac, burglars and robbers (against); St Thérèse, patron saint of jam-making; St Benedict, potholers. In the end, though, we felt that no one matched up quite so well as St Jude, who, of course, is the man for lost causes. Roll on 28 October!