So unfair

It's tough out there, isn't it? Floods, railways, fuel scares, and now the news that, after all, Jonathan Aitken is unlikely to become a vicar.

It's tough out there, isn't it? Floods, railways, fuel scares, and now the news that, after all, Jonathan Aitken is unlikely to become a vicar.

And there's more: Anthea Turner, apparently, has sold very few copies of her autobiography, and Lynn Redgrave, in the process of getting a divorce, has reported: "We did not live like Hollywood celebrities. Although there was a swimming pool, we did not have a pool man. I did the pool work."

Nevertheless, there is, as usual, nothing that quite matches the plight of the teenager. Even good news for this benighted sector is followed by bad news as surely as spots follow smelliness. So, on the day we learn that teenagers are smoking less because they would rather spend their money on the newer fashionable habit, state-of-the-art, hands-free mobile phones, we also learn that there are fresh doubts over the safety of state-of-the-art, hands-free mobile phones. No wonder Harry Enfield's Kevin keeps saying, "It's so unfair."

Sadly, it is our duty to point out that, despite all those promises, things rarely get any better. Ask Jonathan, Anthea and Lynn. It's enough to make you have a nice fag and phone a friend.