Halloween is nothing more than legitimised begging by aggressive kids in costumes – I can’t stand it

‘Celebrities’ will be forcing themselves into ludicrous costumes and silly wigs to be photographed by the paparazzi in North London arriving at Jonathan Ross’s Halloween party, just like they do every single year. Surely there’s an easier way to get your picture in the press?

Don't bother ringing my doorbell, kids – I've disconnected it (Getty Images)

Very few things in this life make me anxious or fearful, but next Wednesday is already giving me plenty of concern.

Halloween has become an event feared and loathed by a silent majority who regard it as nothing more than legitimised begging by aggressive kids in silly costumes egged on by pushy mothers. This is a public announcement to all trick-or-treaters in my neighbourhood: I will not be at home, so don’t bother turning up and ringing my doorbell like you did last year, on and off for three long hours. My letterbox will be taped up so you can’t scream through it.

Where’s the fun in all of this for older people and pets? By 4.30pm on Wednesday 31 October, it will be dark and excited packs of trick-or-treaters will be roaming the streets of our towns and cities looking for victims, acting out a low-budget horror movie in their heads.

Later that evening, ‘celebrities’ will be forcing themselves into ludicrous costumes and silly wigs to be photographed by the paparazzi in North London arriving at Jonathan Ross’s Halloween party, just like they do every single year. Surely there’s an easier way to get your picture in the press?

Fancy dress is another trial for me (not that I’m invited chez Ross). It’s a chance to look your worst and feel a fool while paying a hire company for the privilege.

Halloween celebrations have got out of hand, so take my advice – disconnect the doorbell, get under the duvet with a torch and a good book or your laptop, and turn off the lights. For a few short hours, you’ll be under siege. Then it's over, for another year.