For a super-scary Halloween, take a look at Joe Biden's healthcare plan and the trick-or-treaters round Jeff Bezos' house

Elizabeth Warren has a plan for a sugar tax and Kamala Harris is looking forward to prosecuting the parents of kids who stay up past their bedtime

American politics is about to get even spookier (AFP/Getty)

Happy Halloween! In the spirit of the holiday, let’s take a look at the scariest things happening right now across the country.

Washington

Halloween is the day of the year where Americans of all backgrounds come together to carve up a large round orange object — or, as Nancy Pelosi calls it, voting for impeachment.

MAGA-heads should relax knowing that it’s not all bad news for their leader Trump: the president will be continuing a long tradition of personal trick-or-treating. Last year, he tricked half the country into thinking he’s draining the swamp, while he treated himself to a massive tax cut. That’s Halloween for ya!

This year The Donald’s festive haul includes former Isis leader al-Baghdadi, whose execution he entrusted to a dog (name not declassified.)

Los Angeles

As fires engulf much of the city, Los Angeles might be the scariest place in the country for Halloween this year. The Reagan Library in Simi Valley is an especially terrifying site as it is surrounded by wildfires.

Ordinarily it would be heresy for the Reagan Library to ask for assistance from a public service, considering “the most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.”But Halloween is the one day of the year the library’s curator isn’t contractually prohibited from calling the Los Angeles Fire Department, since the living are on equal footing with the dead.

Techlandia

Halloween also touches the tech world, which is welcoming back Data King/Dark Lord Mark Zuckerberg from a trip to Washington last week. Thanks to his testimony, lawmakers now know what artificial intelligence looks like.

Meanwhile, up in Seattle, it’s only a matter of time before Amazon warehouse and Whole Foods employees trick-or-treat at Jeff Bezos’ mansion in order to get a pay raise and healthcare. This particular version of trick-or-treating is known as “life-or-deathing”.

On The Campaign Trail

Everything about Joe Biden’s campaign is outright scary, Halloween fans will be happy to hear. Voters are in for a fright when they read Biden’s healthcare plan, as his public option proposal covers fewer Americans and entails greater cost than Bernie’s Medicare for All plan.

Biden’s donors are equally scared by his poll numbers.

Other Democratic candidates are excited for Halloween. Elizabeth Warren has a plan to tax the candy that kids earn during trick-or-treating to pay for the inevitable healthcare that trick-or-treating kids will need from a spike in sugar consumption.

Meanwhile, Kamala Harris is looking forward to prosecuting parents who let their kids trick-or-treat past their bedtime.

New York City

Halloween in New York is a non-stop party. It’s the most anticipated day of the year at Fox News in particular due to the company’s mandatory costume policy. Sean Hannity is dressing up as the scariest thing he can think of: facts. Frequent Hannity guest Don Jr is dressing up as a real job. No doubt they’ll be telling a lot of extremely scary, made-up stories onscreen for the whole month — and perhaps then all the other months leading up to next Halloween — just to prove how committed they are to the festive spirit.

Of course, it’s not just the private sector that loves Halloween in NYC — the MTA loves Halloween because they get to pretend that the rats on the subway are there by design.

As for me, I’ll be outside JPMorgan headquarters this Halloween, trying to scare Jamie Dimon by dressing up as President Bernie Sanders.