Letter: An arrangement for finding love that lasts beyond the wedding day

Sir: The caption to the picture illustrating the article on arranged marriage and Scottish law (21 June) tells us that 'not all such marriages are forced', implying that many, if not most, are.

I do not for a moment condone forced marriage, but would put forward the distinction between 'forced' and 'arranged' marriage. In the course of a survey concerned with relationships between parents and late teenagers, my Pakistani colleague and I interviewed at some length 120 families from Hindu, Sikh and Muslim ethnic origins (fully reported in Citizens of this Country: Stopes-Roe and Cochrane; Multi-lingual Matters, 1990). A section of the survey dealt with attitudes to, and experiences of, marriage.

Our young people had all been in Britain at least 10 years, and more than half were born here; they were far from being unaware of, or unaffected by, Western culture. An overwhelming majority accepted the principle of arranged marriage. A very small minority had experienced, or feared, any pressure, and the rest were satisfied that they had been, or would be, allowed a say in the matter and a possibility of refusal that was sufficient. Their reasons for this acceptance might give our troubled society pause for thought.

These young people had grown up with the values of respect, obedience, filial duty and parental obligation; with a knowledge of the supreme importance of the family and its position and honour in the community; with a strong sense of tradition and with a self-definition in terms of role rather than personal individuality. Not negligible assets.

It is illuminating to consider white British adolescents growing up without the angst that seems to be inextricably tied up with the mate selection process. It is instructive to consider an alternative view of the relationship between romantic love and marriage from that of the 20th-century Western one. To quote two young Asian-British people: 'Love is something that happens after you get married and develops the whole of your life'; while for the white British, 'love is something that has to precede their marriages, but thereafter for many it diminishes for the rest of their lives'.

Yours faithfully,

MARY STOPES-ROE

Birmingham

(Photograph omitted)