New York City is 'dead forever', according to people who know nothing about its secret plan for revival

The wealthy are proclaiming the demise of NYC — but they're just out of the loop

Ali-Asghar Abedi
New York
@AbediAA
Monday 17 August 2020 21:19
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A statue of former US President George Washington is covered in red paint after being vandalised in Washington Square Park in New York
A statue of former US President George Washington is covered in red paint after being vandalised in Washington Square Park in New York

In response to many New Yorkers fleeing the city and Gotham’s intellectual class predicting its demise, New Yorkers are demanding to know City Hall’s plans to revive the five boroughs. Sadly, the only thing that Mayor Bill de Blasio is good at is acting as a Brooklyn lamppost. So New Yorkers have turned to native daughter — and now de facto mayor — Cardi B for thoughts on how to revive the city.

Fortunately, Cardi B responded by revealing her Work And Play plan (a.k.a WAP plan). Details of this plan are captured below, for anyone who believes that this truly is the end of NYC:

Schools

Perhaps the most popular part of the WAP plan is that it prevents federal officials from transporting schoolchildren to Trump Tower in order to boost occupancy. Instead, kids will Zoom in to classes in Finland where there is still a functioning education system. Since the lessons are provided by Finland, they will be free. This includes lessons on how taxes can be used for the public good in order to create an actual society. The hope is that children who attend these lessons may take some of the ideas home and discuss them with their parents who work on Wall Street.

The WAP plan also allows New York City’s colleges to re-open, provided they can teach pandemic-friendly material. As a result, Columbia University has laid off its entire Experimental Physics faculty and has launched a new Bachelor of Arts degree in TikTok, which will feature semesters on lip-synching, dancing, and Chinese espionage.

Work

Currently empty office buildings in Midtown Manhattan will once again enjoy high occupancy rates once they are repurposed into homeless shelters under the WAP plan. New York City’s executive class were initially skeptical about this proposal, but eventually acquiesced because it was sold under the guise of gentrification.

Street vendors hurt by the absence of office workers will be taken care of as the WAP plan will find administration jobs for them in higher education. A job at an elite American college is a natural fit for street vendors, who are already skilled at price-gouging customers.

Play

New York City comedy venues might be shut down currently, but comedy lives on under the WAP plan. The Comedy Cellar will be re-purposed from a standup venue to a museum with framed Fox News hosts and conservative commentators from YouTube on the wall. New Yorkers will laugh heartily when they see the fat pay packets which were afforded to Tucker Carlson types, appreciating the modern absurdism. They will be encouraged to stop and appreciate the performance art which Ben Shapiro gifted to the world when he diagnosed Mayor Cardi B with bacterial vaginosis over Twitter.

Under the WAP Plan, Broadway will be coming back, too. In accordance with the plan, Cardi B has commissioned a new musical based on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Casting for this show has already begun, with many subway rats auditioning for the role of Splinter, who plays the turtles’ sensei.

Sports

The New York Knicks have admitted that the pandemic has been good for them. Given that all NBA games are now played behind closed doors, it’s become much harder for Knicks fans to walk out mid-game when their team stops performing.

The WAP plan also aims to give novice basketball players a chance to play at Madison Square Garden. Provided they are Covid-free, teenagers who have never picked up a basketball before will be allowed to scrimmage at the hallowed venue, proving once and for all to James Dolan that you don’t have to be a professional to suck at basketball.

As you can see, the coronavirus pandemic hasn’t killed off New York City. Once we’re done celebrating the exodus of hedge fund managers who no longer like what they see, a plethora of new delights await us.

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