By the time it was three days before the snow, the warnings started. “Whatever you do, STAY IN for AT LEAST A YEAR. Do NOT answer the door, as it will probably be a yeti. Don’t go into the kitchen, as some fridges are collaborating with the weather and burping out Antarctic blizzards, so you may be crushed to death by your washing machine in an avalanche.”
A reporter for Sky News in Chelmsford said this morning on TV, “Behind me, you can see how extreme these weather conditions are, as the water under this bridge has literally turned into ice.” Turns out the Beast from the East has magic powers and can transform water into a previously unknown solid substance. Do NOT try to cross this “ice” – not only might you slip on it, but someone might be curling on it and you could trip over a broom.
Then the snow actually started, so reporters told us: “The scenes here are exactly the same as those faced by the French army when they retreated from Moscow. Every zumba class in the area has been cancelled until further notice, and even Napoleon didn’t have to put up with that. This is Emma Wilkins, reporting from Guildford.”
By tomorrow, The One Show will warn us: “The best advice is to sit absolutely still, and if you hear a noise, call the army.”
Then regional programmes will ask us not to resort to cannibalism unless “absolutely necessary”.
Nigella Lawson will present a special show in which she says, “Hmmm, I’m snowed in, snug and cosy by a log fire. But what happens if you run out of food? Well today, I’m going to look at a fun way to slow roast your pets. Mmmm, tortoise.”
It used to be that Britain’s transport stopped as soon as one snowflake landed, but now that isn’t panicky enough – so this time it stopped as soon as we expected snow. This shows we’re becoming more philosophical as a nation, as we fear you can slide on ice that hasn’t happened yet.
Next winter Southern rail will make announcements that go: “All services from Brighton are cancelled until further notice. This is due to an unexpected increase in the concept of slipperiness. After all, if we imagine an object sliding, how can we be certain this isn’t real? For what is ‘reality’? We apologise for any inconvenience caused to your journey.”
Newspapers have been explaining the science behind the conditions, with articles such as “Since the universe began it’s been expanding, and it’s now so big it costs too much to heat, so it’s turned all of space into a giant snowball, because of Europe”.
Yet, in most of Britain, it’s just a bit cold, and there’s a small amount of snow. Millions take the day off, because any healthy person takes a day off if they can. Call centres and supermarkets should give an “employee of the month” award to any member of staff who takes a day off because of the snow, when the place it’s snowing is Alaska.
But the people who seem to enjoy the snow most of all are those like Nigel Farage. Because he used the cold weather to prove there’s no global warming. He said: “Large parts of central London have no salt on the roads. Perhaps they are all so convinced by global warming they never thought any would be needed.”
He makes a good point, because what all the climate change scientists predicted is that every hour the whole planet, everywhere, will get a bit warmer, as if Earth is on a hob like a pan of milk. It’s easy to disprove, because at night it’s colder than it was earlier in the day. So the planet hasn’t got warmer at all – it’s got colder, which shows how much scientists know.
This is the sort of common sense reasoning we should listen to, rather than so-called “experts” on the climate, whose only qualification is they’ve spent their entire life studying the climate.
Perhaps climate change scientists could prove the planet is getting warmer by measuring the amount of panic when there is snow. In the 1960s, when it was more common, most people would have reacted to this weather by saying, “Never mind, we can keep warm by eating plenty of spam and being racist all day.”
Before central heating, it was calmly expected that whole rooms would turn into ice, so if there was a family member in there who’d dozed off, they’d be encased in the stuff and wouldn’t get out until they’d thawed in April.
Now, when it only snows once every few years, the whole country shrivels up and cancels everything, convinced the snow is an evil potion from the East. Everyone hurries to the shops two days before the snow arrives to buy a herd of buffalo in case they can’t get out of the house for six months, unable to enjoy their days off because they’re convinced they’ll be eaten by a mammoth.
Climate change scientists just need to show that Snow Panic (SP) averaged 2.8 in 1965, but peaked at 175.3 in 2017, and then even the daftest climate change sceptic would have to agree: the planet’s in trouble; the evidence is overwhelming.
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