PMQs: No-deal Brexit 'won't be the end of the world' and that's now the official government position

The howls of derision were loud, but frankly, not loud enough

Nothing makes the nation feel collectively older than the return of children to school each September, so arguably it was commendable on the part of Westminster to provide a soothing antidote for all those agonied moments at the school gates in recent days.

“Don’t worry,” they returned to reassure at noon on Wednesday, “you might feel the sands of time slipping through your fingers, but look! The country is still run by toddlers, and if anything, we are getting even more babyish with every precious passing day.”

Let’s start with the Brexit farrago then move on to the antisemitism farce shall we?

With his second question to the prime minister, Jeremy Corbyn wanted to know who Theresa May agreed with over the consequences of a no-deal Brexit. Was it her (new) foreign secretary, Jeremy Hunt, who had called it a “huge geostrategic mistake”, or her chancellor, who in a letter to a parliamentary committee has warned it would lead to a loss of GDP of around 8 per cent, and as such be comparable to the financial crisis of 2008.

At this point the prime minister stood up and said something that, in less mad times, might have been history making.

Her lips began their now familiarly violent quiver, which if you’ve never had the pleasure of witnessing then just try and imagine Madonna getting unexpectedly Tasered right in the middle of the climactic dance break in the “Ray of Light” video. Traditionally this is only seen in the moment she knows she has little choice but to deliver an abysmal pre-planned joke that someone else has written, so seasoned May watchers knew something ridiculous was on its way, but no one was quite prepared for this.

“The director of the WTO,” she said, loudly, “has said a no-deal Brexit will not be a walk in the park, but it will not be the end of the world.”

The howls of derision were loud, but frankly, not loud enough. This is the actual prime minister, having to distance herself from the words of her most senior ministers, and deploy, by way of an actual defence, somebody else entirely, who has said “it will not be the end of the world.”

The best defence the prime minister can come up with. The best line of attack. “It will not be the end of the world.”

Just slip out of your robe and have a wallow in that one for a moment. No-deal Brexit might very well not be the end of the world. It might, indeed, merely be a huge geostrategic mistake, or economically comparable to the financial crash. But, months out from the increasingly likely event, this is the very best the prime minister can find to sell it.

Is it possible to feel sorry for her? Perhaps, yes. Certainly, she seems to feel more comfortable in her skin at the moment, but that speaks volumes in its own way. She has rid herself of Boris Johnson and David Davis, and taken over the Brexit negotiations herself. May is never happier than when she in charge of everything, when nothing is delegated. Brexit may be about to enter its nosedive phase, but at least everyone else is out of the cockpit.

Here she is, having her painstaking Chequers agreement trashed by her own party, driving her with extreme reluctance towards no deal. And who by? That’s right, the very people who said no deal couldn’t possibly happen, because the “Germans will want to sell us our cars, the Italians their prosecco”. The catastrophe they are demanding is the precise one they said couldn’t happen.

With regard to those people, by the way, directly after Prime Minister’s Questions, Theresa May updated the house on the latest developments in the Salisbury poisonings. When she had finished, and Jeremy Corbyn had replied, Boris Johnson was straight on his feet to attack the Labour leader for his “weasely language” and his apparent refusal to condemn Russia directly. He is not without a point, but it might also be worth remembering that on the day the prime minister convened an emergency meeting over the murder by chemical attack of an innocent civilian, and the Russian state being the prime suspect, Boris Johnson was the foreign secretary. He didn’t go to the meeting because he was busy with the photoshoot he had organised himself for the signing of his own resignation letter.

It is, sadly, just about worth putting on record how the session had begun. Before the speaker had come to Jeremy Corbyn, up stood Maggie Throup, hitherto unknown MP for Erewash, to gently ask the prime minister to provide some kind of general comment on just how bad antisemitism is.

Naturally, Theresa May did so, culminating, before Jeremy Corbyn could speak, with a demand for an apology for one of the summer’s many antisemitism related incidents.

Because nothing screams “my grave concerns about antisemitism are so very grave indeed” than having a backbench nobody provide the transparently crass setup for your little pre-emptive attack.

It was, without question, every bit as dry-boak inducing as anything the Labour Party has managed all summer.

Politicians will always politick. They will take the easy points where they can. But if they ever do wonder why general surveys consistently find them to be roughly as popular in public opinion terms as estate agents, bailiffs and Jehovah’s witnesses, here was an especially delightful vignette.

More of the same next week, you can be absolutely sure of that.