NO-HEADLINE

Here is that Northern Ireland peace conference in full. Sir Patrick Pussyfoot: "Okay gentlemen, before we start, would anyone like a cup of tea?"

Nice Mr Paisley: "This is absolutely typical of the patronising, vile, uncompromising attitude of the British government that I should be given absolutely no choice of beverage! It is an insult to the memory of all those involved in the siege of Londonderry . . ."

Pussyfoot: "I'm sorry. You're welcome to have coffee if you like."

Gentle Gerry Adams (sotto voce with sheepish grin): "If I could just interject here and exercise my democratic right to freedom of speech, which has been denied to me for over 400 years etc, and say that if you put a cup of coffee in front of me, and it ends up in your face, the responsibility for your subsequent loss of sight and burnt facial tissue will rest entirely and solely and utterly and completely and utterly and entirely at your own door and that of the British government."

Pussyfoot: "So you'd like a cup of tea. Thank you for being so clear in your request, Mr Adams."

Paisley: "How dare you agree to make the Pope the King of Ulster! I'm off! No surrender!"

Pussyfoot: "Whoops, sorry about that."

Adams: "It's your own fault, you stupid git."

Pussyfoot: "Thanks for calling me that. Jolly kind of you."