OUR DUMB CENTURY: REPORTS FROM THE FRONTIERS OF HISTORY

BERLIN, 17 APRIL 1961 - President Kennedy, speaking before a crowd of 150,000 West Germans near the Berlin Wall on Sunday, was greeted with wild applause when he opened his speech in the German tongue, proclaiming, "Ich bin ein Ivy League playboy millionaire."

"People of the German Democratic Republic, I am proud and happy to be speaking to you on this momentous occasion," said Kennedy, making his first European visit since taking office. "I am also incredibly rich. Jawohl, meine Freunden, ich bin ein millionaire. Ich bin ein seriously loaded multimillionaire."

Continued Kennedy: "I hope to increase the exchange of great ideas between our nations. Although, I must admit, I have the advantage of receiving an education far superior to most of yours - and, in fact, to most of anyone's. Ich bin ein privileged, blue-blood Harvard man."

"We must work hard in these difficult times to further the ideals of democracy and stand firm in the face of encroaching Communism," Kennedy said, concluding his speech.

"Actually, you must do this. I do not: Because of my great wealth and status, while America's best and brightest deal with the daily cares of national stewardship, I intend to split my time between hosting wild parties at Mafia-owned casinos and bedding starlets in my secret underground White House bunker. For ich bin ein free-wheeling playboy."

Kennedy concluded by thanking those in attendance, whom he called, "You sausage-chomping Krauts who murdered my older brother Joe, who should have been president instead of me."

The speech, which was "very well received", according to West Berlin Mayor Willy Brandt, is regarded as even more rousing than Kennedy's "Je suis un damn handsome sonofabitch" address in Paris last Friday.

The above is an extract from `Our Dumb Century', a satirical history in newspaper form, edited by Scott Dikkers, and published by Boxtree, pounds 9.99.

NEXT WEEK: President Ford sworn in