No wonder millennials are angry Russia's banned Pornhub – this generation thinks the world owes them an orgasm

In September last year, after their first attempt to ban Pornhub, Roskomnadzor replied via their Twitter account to one frustrated wanker asking for 'an alternative' with the advice: 'Dear Lyolya, as an alternative you can meet someone in real life'

Grace Dent
Monday 19 September 2016 07:06
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Discussing the fact that Roskomnadzor, the Russian monitoring agency, has blocked access to Pornhub and YouPorn throughout the country is an arduous task for myself, the columnist, as firstly, I shall have to explain what these sites are to my wholesome, chaste and God-fearing readership. You possibly have not noticed – let alone taken advantage of – the internet’s free hardcore porn pipeline, blaring full-length or edited highlights of amateur, gonzo and specialist filth into laptops and phones. Nasty business.

Thankfully my readers are not the sort to let the devil make mischief with idle hands, preferring instead to spend their downtime gluing shells to bottles to create charming lampstands, tinkering with a Sudoku or simply hitting ‘Donate’ again and again on Justgiving.com sites in order to crowdfund hedgehog bridges in the Dorset boundaries.

They are certainly not slipping off to their bathrooms typing combinations of words such as “Wellington boots”, “Latino” and “Top hats” into YouPorn search engines in order to locate and peruse a perfectly honed clip of their exact niche fantasy before indulging in three to four minutes of quality “me time”. And they are doubly not doing this if they live in Russia as Roskomnadzor – known in English as the Federal Service for Supervision of Communications, Information Technology and Mass Media – has knocked it off.

Reasons for this are opaque, although admittedly Russia’s embracing of free porn and fast broadband must severely eat into their other big interests of Nazi-like marching, contract killing, flinging about polonium and, of course, burning Erasure albums. The sooner Russia turns off the three-minute clips of American cheerleaders wrestling in blancmange, and have all these people listless and back out on the streets, the better, we can all agree.

It must be noted, however, that, despite attempting to curtail an entire country’s masturbation habits, the Russian authorities are not without humour on the matter. In September last year, after their first attempt to ban Pornhub, Roskomnadzor replied via their Twitter account to one frustrated wanker asking for “an alternative” with the advice: “Dear Lyolya, as an alternative you can meet someone in real life.”

Unsurprisingly, Roskomnadzor’s pithy and completely unhelpful advice caused hilarity as well as some anger. I have had admittedly some concerns myself during the past decade about the new, unfettered global availability of hardcore porn and its effect on the human psyche, particularly on teenagers, but have been assured vehemently by a plethora of people that my worries have no base. Any suggestion of censorship or restrictions on smut to millennial, post-internet types is viewed as quite ridiculous. While my generation were accused throughout our youth of thinking “the world owed us a living”, the one following vehemently believes the world owes them a wank.

Millennials view the concept of free, readily available masturbation material as a human right and any attempt to even suggest that they shut their eyes and try to imagine rude things themselves with their own brain as anywhere between Luddite, Draconian and plainly kinky.

We need to talk about porn

Instead of mocking Roskomnadzor for stepping on porn, it has struck me that perhaps there’s a kernel of sense here. Turning off Pornhub, YouPorn, Spankwire, X-hamster and all the other illicit sites for the entire of January might be an educational and character-building experience for our nation’s youth. Perhaps giving these people a true taste of the world before YouPorn and experiencing 1970’s and eighties-style arduous sexual yearnings might stop them whining about how their lives are the most maligned and put upon by society yet.

As Anti-Wanking Tsar, I will replace these filthy websites for 30 days with a holding page featuring one generic 1988 Fiesta Reader’s letter purportedly sent in from an errant building site secretary but clearly actually written by a sweating 50-year-old man. If one still insists on masturbating during January, please be my guest, but the only pornography will be available from the local newsagent, Mr Jarvis, who knows your parents. The magazine will feature an unsightly photoset from an amateur woman called Joyce from Huddersfield who has cellulite and one foot on an MFI worktop beside a tin of Smedley’s tinned carrots.

Or, as Roskomnadzor says, if that doesn’t suit, you can simply go out and meet someone in real life.

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