Of course Prince Harry is suffering from burnout — he lives in California

A satirical look at how the Duke of California might be spending his taxing days

Ali-Asghar Abedi
New York
Monday 07 February 2022 17:44 GMT
<p>Prince Harry discusses mental health and self-care during virtual panel with BetterUp</p>

Prince Harry discusses mental health and self-care during virtual panel with BetterUp

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The royal family is an antiquated and useless institution, a symbol of white supremacy that has no purpose in the 21st century. This explains their perpetual attempts to appear relatable (Kate Middleton being branded as a modern mother who buys her own groceries, for example), since it’s essentially an exercise in survival. But Prince Harry — a.k.a the Duke of California — is taking his exercise in relatability too far by claiming that he’s suffering from “burnout”.

The only real burnout that pertains to Prince Harry is the very real burnout that Britons experience every time his name resurfaces in the news. What could possibly cause a prince who commands a multi-million dollar fortune to experience burnout, one wonders? It could be any one of a number of things. For example, now that he’s no longer a “working” royal (and I use the word “working” in its most generous definition), Harry presumably suffers palpitations every time he eats because he no longer has a food taster. In addition, he has to open his own doors and his own mail — all challenges that could have felled a weaker man.

But Harry is resilient, and he’s focusing his energies on ingratiating himself with American royalty these days. However, doing so has apparently proven to be an exercise in futility because scheduling a dinner date with the Obamas is close to impossible. The former first couple only ever mingle with Harry and Meghan at Spotify and Netflix parties. Turns out that Harry and Meghan keep getting bumped on the Obamas’ social calendar: first by Beyoncé and Jay-Z (or Jay-Zed, as Harry insists on calling him); then by Will Smith and Jada Pinkett; then by David and Victoria Beckham. Having never had to manage his own calendar before, I imagine that coordinating schedules is proving to be burnout-inducing exercise for poor Harry, never mind the idea of having to wait his turn.

But that’s not where Harry’s tribulations end. Megxit means that he now has to drive his own car — or at least sit in the front of his self-driving Tesla. Other activities to do for entertainment now he’s free from royal duties include Googling himself to see if he’s still relevant (MAGA voters have bumped him from the first Google image search results page for “Nazi costume”, but that’s probably a blessing in disguise.) The Queen can’t get him tickets to this weekend’s Super Bowl and rumor has it that James Corden rebuffed his attempts to appear on Carpool Karaoke. What’s an ex-prince to do?

Living in America is highly-stress inducing in a way that Harry — who spent most of his life in Britain, which is by comparison a civilized country — surely was not prepared for. And I don’t just mean being hit over the head by an endless stream of adverts for prescription medication. Life in the US means that Archie has to undergo active shooter drills at school, for instance, and Lilibet will probably develop a Californian accent with copious verbal fry.

But it’s not all doom and gloom. The Sackler family have reportedly suggested he collaborate with them on a podcast and/or substack and/or streaming service that examines what it’s like to come from families which have presided over an empire of pain. The Windsors, with their background in brutal colonialism, would surely be a good fit. And I wouldn’t be surprised if Harry is seriously considering this proposal. After all, he’s living in the good ol’ US of A now — and in a country built on social Darwinism that shuns any semblance of a social contract, the only way to survive is money.

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