Say a little prayer

Jim White offers Glenn Hoddle a crash course on the worst job in English football

1. Don't Do What Graham Taylor Did...

Taylor was so far out of his depth he needed an aqualung. It was a tale of comi-tragic humiliation, punctuated by pat philosophising and inarticulate rages. "For the record," announced a Channel 4 press notice about The Impossible Job, a fly-on-the-wall documentary record of Taylor's reign, "in the film Mr Taylor utter 38 fucks, three craps, two shits and there is an obscured wanker." Not that Hoddle would ever contemplate allowing flys anywhere near his wall. Contemptuous at best in his dealings with the media, the new England manager is capable of freezing a reporter's note book at 40 paces. Cosy chats and indiscreet briefings are not his way, the media will be kept at arm's length.

2. Do What Bobby Robson Did...

3. Don't Do What Don Revie Did...

4. Do What Joe Mercer Did...

5. Don't Do What Ron Greenwood and Bobby Robson Did...

6. Do What Terry Venables Did...

7. Don't Do What Terry Venables Did...

And never ever allow the records you cut as an impressionable young wannabe pop singer to be re-released. Hoddle is on even more dodgy ground here than his predecessor. While Venables's re-issued crime was a minor one - "My Way" sung in Catalan - Hoddle has a jangling skeleton in his cupboard: "Diamond Lights", his sub-Spandau Ballet hit recorded with Chris Waddle. Please, Glenn, let it rest in peace.

8. Don't Do What Alf Ramsey, Graham Taylor and Don Revie Did...

9. Do What Sir Alf Ramsey Did...

10. Do What You Always Do...

As the new manager of England you will need all the help you can get.