The Agreeable World of Wallace Arnold: Happy radio days

AS THE newly appointed Governor General of BBC Network Wireless, with special responsibilities for reform and efficiency, I know that a great many listeners - if such earnest folk actually exist these days] - are terribly concerned about the future of their beloved 'stations'.

Let me straightaway reassure them of our total commitment to broadcasting values, and beg them to bother their little heads not a second longer. Those of us who occupy what one might call the 'upstairs' positions in the BBC are dedicated to preserving the sheer hard work of all those who beaver away 'downstairs' at production, post-production, pre-production and what-have- you. Research indicates that such work consists in assembling the clip-clopping and door-opening noises to insert into radio 'plays' at the necessary junctures, and they do a marvellous job of it under trying conditions. Keep it up]

But if we are to move forwards, we can no longer afford to look back. There will obviously have to be a fair measure of change to all networks to bring them kicking and screaming into the 20th century. But in announcing just some of these reforms in the space of this column, it will become evident that they are wholly 'in keeping' with the great British tradition of wireless viewing.

Our reforms to Radio 3 have already aroused controversy, but I trust our new plans will do much to stem criticism. At the moment, research indicates that many listeners find symphonies and operas lasting more than 20 minutes 'stuffy', 'overlong' and 'too full of music'. To make these lengthy classics more accessible, we have therefore decided to include listener-friendly commentaries throughout the longer works, so that henceforth details of, say, the conductor's hobbies and interests or the cellist's prowess on the football field will be given out by a sympathetic commentator (Mr Simon Bates from Radio 1 has already agreed to take part) in hushed tones while they are slogging their way through the work in question.

Radio 4 probably retains the tightest hold over its listeners' affections, and this is something we plan to 'phase out' over the years ahead. That much-loved long-running series The Archers has, we feel, grown a little 'cosy' and 'traditional', and research indicates that listeners would prefer a more up-to-date approach. To this end, we will be introducing a cheery Rastafarian family into Ambridge to 'liven the place up a bit' with their high-spirited 'Reggie Music' and colourful knitwear. To counter any prejudice in listeners' minds, we will be making the family - Zeph, Winston and kiddie Sly - the backbone of the Ambridge Neighbourhood Watch, and Zeph will also be Secretary of the Borchester League Against Passive Smoking.

Anti-smoking will also feature strongly in one of our exciting new series, Smokepoint with Roger Cook, in which the ace investigative reporter will burst into a different office or factory every week, make a citizen's arrest of those he finds smoking, and cross-question them live in a mobile van until they confess to endangering the lives of others.

Also on the health front, there will be a new 26-part series, Linda McCartney's Vegetarian Cookery, to replace World at One, which, research indicates, is, alas, growing far too news-based with fewer and fewer cookery tips. Let me add, though, that we have no wish to lose the outstanding services of the presenter Mr James Naugh tie, who we will be asking to help 'beef up' our Radio 2 sports coverage with an hour of daily live darts from the Sheffield Crucible.

O'er the past few months, we have been listening very, very carefully to those who beg us to reconsider our decision to broadcast a Rolling News Service on Long Wave. Let it never be said that the corporation is deaf to its critics. We have now cancelled the Rolling News Service on Long Wave, replacing it with a Rolling Weather and Traffic Conditions Service, with round-the-clock reports on the latest traffic holdups, flood warnings, tidal waves and so on. Research indicates that all this will be most welcome to 'the listener', though I have always preferred a good book]