The Top 10: More Twitter Jokes

A seasonal collection of gems mined from the popular microblogging website

John Rentoul
Saturday 23 December 2017 11:48 GMT
Summer in the Greenland coast circa year 1000, painted by Carl Rasmussen, 19th century
Summer in the Greenland coast circa year 1000, painted by Carl Rasmussen, 19th century

I am offline for Christmas, so, as is traditional, I leave you with some of the best of recent contributions I have collected from what Gordon Brown once called the websphere.

1. Why do they have bar codes on the returning Swedish fleet? So they can Scandinavian. Julian Lee‏

2. I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis. Sara Stewart

3. How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb? It’s “replace”. Spartacus’s Dad

4. In an egg-and-spoon race, I think the egg would win. Eventually. Moose Allain

5. I’ve got 99 problems, but the rest of my stock in the ice cream van trade is selling really well. Diversion50

6. Managed to sit down on the tube. Toothpaste everywhere. Chris Heaton-Harris.

7. I’m scared of spider nerds. I’ve got anorachnophobia. Moose Allain

8. I’ve recorded an album called Obsessed With Sex. It’s only got one track, mind. Jason‏ @NickMotown

9. I didn’t use the right tool to cut the roses so my grass isn’t green: a non secateur. XPatSaboteur‏

10. I always break chocolate bars in half, so I can eat half now and the other half also now. SadFaceOtter

Previous lists of jokes here and here.

Coming soon: Rock Stars Who Became Top Professionals in Unrelated Fields, such as Jeff Baxter (Steely Dan, Doobie Brothers) who became a missile consultant

Also coming soon: The Top 10 Top 10s of 2017

Your suggestions please, and ideas for future Top 10s, to me on Twitter, or by email to

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