Theresa May sees the election as a distraction – I bet she wishes she could get her hands on whichever idiot called it

Presumably she didn’t even watch the debate, as that would have distracted her attention from memorising regional figures for beetroot production, so she doesn’t get caught out by the wily Italians

Theresa May has been criticised for not going on the BBC’s TV debate, but as she said of Jeremy Corbyn, instead of going on television he “should be paying attention to Brexit negotiations. That’s what I’m doing”.

This would be an extremely valid point, if Corbyn was going on television to commentate on the snooker, or appear in The Chase, or take an old bust of Harold Wilson to Antiques Roadshow as he’d been told it could fetch £60, rather than debating why he should be prime minister in an election in which he’s trying to become prime minister.

She must see the election as a distraction, and I bet she wishes she could get her hands on whichever idiot called this election unnecessarily, while she’s trying to pay attention to Brexit negotiations.

On Sunday she’ll see Jeremy Hunt is being interviewed by Andrew Marr, and run into the studio, grabbing him out of the chair while yelling “WHAT do you think you’re doing here asking people to vote for us? Go home and pay attention to Brexit negotiations, like I’m doing.”

Maybe she thinks everyone should be at home studying Brexit negotiations, and runs up the road after dustcarts, shouting “stop collecting rubbish and pay attention to Brexit negotiations”.

Presumably she didn’t even watch the debate, as that would have distracted her attention from memorising regional figures for beetroot production, so she doesn’t get caught out by the wily Italians, who would know she had no idea about them because she’d wasted two hours going on television.

In any case, as Damian Green explained when asked why she didn’t turn up, “She takes lots of questions from the public.” There you are, that explains it. She can’t take questions from the public AND go on television, who’s she supposed to be, Superman?

Luckily, the public who she’s taken questions from during this election have all been journalists, as she’s not had time to meet members of the public who only represent minority groups, such as people who aren’t journalists.

Sometimes she meets as many as 12 members of the public all at once, all of which are holding Conservative Party placards, because she’s obviously wandered into a random street in which local members of the public have shouted “Gawd blimey it’s the Prime Minister”, then surrounded her in a perfect circle, smiling and clapping at her funny joke about Jeremy Corbyn being naked, before going back to work driving a forklift truck.

In any case, whenever you’re asking someone to select you to do a job, whether in an election or a job interview, it’s vital to make an impression straight away by not turning up. I’m sure there are government leaflets that get handed to the unemployed, that advise, “When you are asked to attend an interview, it’s essential that you stand out as a candidate by not going. When they call and ask why you’re not there, affect an air that says, ‘I’ve got better things to do than waste time with you wankers’, and the job will be as good as yours!”

Now, to make the democratic process fair, the leaders who did waste their time by going on television should be allowed to choose a TV show Theresa May does have to go on. I’d vote for Geordie Shore, so Theresa has to get a fake tan and a tattoo of a winged horse across her back and scream “I canna believe it like, ’cos Boris was snogging that Nathan AND that Chloe tart reet in front of me like, OH MY GOD.”

Or she can make announcements such as the one she thrilled us with yesterday, that went “I have said many times in the past, people can have faith in me as I have faith in them.”

This is so refreshing, to hear a politician explain honestly that the reason we should vote for her is because she has faith in us. We’re sick of people who stand for office, saying “People can have faith in me because I think they’re scum.”

I’ve copied this myself, writing to the England manager to say he can have faith in me as I have faith in him, and now he’s got no choice but to play me as a striker instead of Harry Kane.

It shows why she doesn’t have to appear on television, as she’s asking for more than our vote, she wants our faith. We’re not just choosing a government, we’re voting for a new God.

The only thing Theresa May needs to be careful of, is if she keeps making statements like that, she’ll end up having to slap her dementia tax on herself.

She sent Amber Rudd to the debate in her place, which must mean Amber has ADHD, so she might as well go on television as she can’t keep still enough to spend all night studying Brexit negotiations. But Amber made her own valuable point to Jeremy Corbyn, that the real economy wasn’t like Monopoly, where you have “the green money to buy the railways and the yellow money to buy the gas works”.

It’s fascinating how we all have variations of the rules of Monopoly. Some of us play by going round the board trying to acquire properties. And she plays a different version, in which you set everything up, then buy utilities with different coloured money. “Who’s got the yellow money?” they must all shout in the Rudd household, “Oh it’s cousin Phyllis – go on then, buy the gas works”, then they pack everything away, leaving plenty of time to spend the rest of Christmas paying attention to Brexit negotiations, like the normal members of the public her party likes so much.