They don't make columns like this any more

Ten phrases commonly used by gardeners showing you round their garden.

1. "You should have seen the garden two weeks ago."

2. "No, it doesn't look much, but it's actually a very rare species."

3. "Normally it's a blaze of colour."

4. "You really should see the garden in about two weeks' time."

5. "It's a redunculatus, of course."

6. "...and then the slugs got it."

7. "You really should have seen the garden this morning."

8. "It's from a cutting."

9. "They're normally very difficult to grow."

10. "You should really come back and see the garden this time next year."

Ten phrases commonly used by people who stop you in the street.

1. "Excuse me, please, but I am from Spain and am looking for Wycliffe Gardens, please?"

2. "Do you have a moment to answer a few questions for a survey?"

3. "Hey, mind out for that dog sh... Oh. Too late..."

4. "Hello, I'm Esther Rantzen and I'm going to ask you to make a fool of yourself."

5. "Excuse me, sir, but I am going to have to ask you to come to the manager's office of the shop you have just left to make sure you have receipts for all the objects you may or may not have purchased there."

6. "Sorry, was that your foot?"

7. "Excuse me, but haven't I seen you on the telly somewhere?"

8. "Please, I am from Spain, do you know where a toilet is near here, it is very important?"

9. "Statistics show that old people are rarely attacked in the street, whereas it happens to young people all the time. In your case, however, madam, I am going to make an exception."

10. "If you don't hand over all your available cash immediately, I am afraid I shall be obliged to smash your head in with this baseball bat."

Ten things commonly said to you by people in shops when you ask for something special.

1. "They don't make that any more."

2. "They still make it, but you can't get it any more."

3. "You can still get it, but it's too expensive now."

4. "We had some but they've all gone."

5. "It's been replaced by something better and cheaper, which I am afraid we haven't got in stock."

6. "No, I don't know when we are getting any more."

7. "It could be tomorrow - it could be in three months' time."

8. "Yes, it is true that we have got some in the window but they are just for display purposes."

9. "No, you cannot go in the window and get them."

10. "I shall send for the police if you go in the window and get them."

Ten phrases commonly used by dog-owners.

1. "He's very friendly."

2. "He's very good with children."

3. "He's usually very friendly."

4. "He's just a big puppy, really."

5. "He won't hurt you."

6. "He seems to like you!"

7. "He's never done that before."

8. "You must have done something to upset him."

9. "Just keep very, very still."

10. "He's never eaten anyone before."

Ten phrases commonly used by arms dealers.

1. "If we didn't sell them arms, someone else would."

2. "It creates lots of jobs in Britain."

3. "If we didn't sell them arms, someone else would."

4. "It creates lots of jobs in Britain."

5. "If we didn't sell them arms, someone else would."

6. "It creates lots of jobs in Britain."

7. "If we didn't sell them arms, someone else would."

8. "It creates lots of jobs in Britain."

9. "If we didn't sell them arms, someone else would."

10. "It creates lots of jobs in Britain."

Ten phrases commonly used by people who ring you up.

1. "Is that the occupier of the house?"

2. "Is that the lady of the house?"

3. "You don't know me, but..."

4. "I'll tell you why I rang."

5. "We can offer you a very special deal."

6. "We are in your area next week for a very short while."

7. "We could come round tomorrow."

8. "We could come round now."

9. "I'm actually standing at your front door, talking to you on a mobile."

10. "I would have rung the doorbell, but I had to ring you to say your front door bell isn't working, and as we are in the area offering quality door bell repairs to selected customers..."