The Top 10: Jokes

A collection of one-liners from Twitter’s finest

(Moose Allain)

As is traditional for the holiday season, I leave you in the hands of funny people off the internet. Thanks to Moose Allain for the cartoon.

1. I wouldn’t say I was angry about my Peruvian ancestry. Incandescent is the word I would use. Sanjeev Kohli.

2. I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said: “Thanks.” I said: “Don’t mention it.” Mark Sparrow.

3. I was the first person to install trampolines in musicians’ tour buses and now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon. Summer Ray.

4. “You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound.” William the Concurrer. Glenny Rodge.

5. I know how to build a pyramid. Up to a point. Robert Wilkinson.

6. It’s weird; usually I go ages without accidentally mentioning ice cream flavours but then again there are some days when I can’t stop myself. There’s just no rum or raisin to it. Glenny Rodge.

7. To the person who stole my trainers and hi-vis jacket… You can run, but you can’t hide. Dad Joke Man.

8. I worked in a record shop; bloke came in and asked, “What have you got by The Doors?” I said, “A fire extinguisher.” Karl Clemmy.

9. It’s actually bad luck to say MacBook in an office. You have to call it “The Scottish Laptop”. Nathalie Kernot.

10. I thought I might win the competition to design comfortable shoes for the Italian Bigfoot but unfortunately it was a crushing defeat. Moose Allain.

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Next week: Political rows that seemed huge at the time but now seem oddly quaint, such as the pasty tax (thanks to Matt Chorley).

Coming soon: Fake deaths, inspired by the TV drama about John Darwin, mistitled The Thief, His Wife and the Canoe (it was a kayak).

Your suggestions please, and ideas for future Top 10s, to me on Twitter, or by email to top10@independent.co.uk