The top 10 jokes, according to people on Twitter

As is traditional in August, I take a day off and leave you in the hands of the finest accounts that put the wit in Twitter

John Rentoul
Friday 12 August 2022 13:25 BST
Get your protractors out!
Get your protractors out! (Moose Allain)

Many thanks to all these geniuses of the online world, and especially to Moose Allain, who did the cartoon.

1. As we approached the airport the pilot started banking. A ridiculous time for a career change, I felt. Moose Allain.

2. My wife is threatening to leave me because of my constant celebrity name dropping. David Beckham warned me that this might happen. Dad Joke Man.

3. I asked my Dad once: “Where were you when you heard Kennedy was shot?” He said: “HE’S BEEN SHOT?” James Harris.

4. Sixty-five per cent of mathematicians have a sense of humour. The other 45 per cent don’t find jokes like this funny. Glenny Rodge.

5. Whoever came up with naming birds really missed a trick by not calling a baby pigeon a smidgen. Pandamoanimum.

6. The first rule of Pirate Club: Pirate Club is for private ears only. Moose Allain.

7. If Elvis was alive today, he’d probably be dead by now. Glenny Rodge.

8. Me, singing: “Go to sleep, go to sleep little baby…” Cop: “No I said do you have an alibi.” Moose Allain.

9. [As olive oil prices rise in the drought.] Now I’m losing the huile d’olive. Andrej Nkv.

10. I wouldn’t say Jet Set Willie was completely ZX, but he was certainly on the ZX Spectrum. Sanjeev Kohli.

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You will have noticed that every one of those is fewer than 140 characters, including spaces. Yes I am still sore about the change.

Next week: Failures, after I discovered that there was a Museum of Failure in Sweden.

Coming soon: Jesters, as Boris Johnson prepares to leave the stage.

Your suggestions please, and ideas for future Top 10s, to me on Twitter, or by email to

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