The Top 10: Jokes

A new year’s collection of Twitter one-liners

One for fans of Moose Allain (Moose Allain)

As is traditional at this time of year, I take the day off and leave you in the hands of the finest wits of my favourite microblogging website. Several of whom are called Moose Allain, who also draws. Follow him on Twitter. Visit his shop. Buy his stuff.

1. “Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a supermarket.” “How long have you felt like this?” “Ever since I was Lidl.” Thanks to Alison.  

2. My friend reckons he’s gonna make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off. Glenny Rodge.  

3. “Guys! Guys, guys, guys! I’ve finally thought of a name for the tent strings!” Moose Allain.

4. There ought to be some regulation governing claims of hillbilly authenticity. A sort of Appalachian Controlee, as it were. Dan Davies.  

5. “Are you still going out with that tech support guy?” “Off and on.” Moose Allain.  

6. If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence. Nick Motown.

7. My shirt’s tucked into my trousers. I should feed it more often. Moose Allain.  

8. A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank. The rabbit says: I think I might be a type O. Barry Mulligan.  

9. What’s the proper name for a witch’s cooking pot? Ronald. Although it’s cauldron for short. Moose Allain.  

10. What do you call people who are afraid of Santa? Claustrophobic. Chris Heaton-Harris.  

Next week: Missed scoops, such as The New York Times being tipped off about Watergate but failing to follow it up.  

Coming soon: Singing politicians, after the prime minister was heard singing “Waltzing Matilda” – on account of his supposed preference for Australian-style solutions.  

Your suggestions please, and ideas for future Top 10s, to me on Twitter, or by email to top10@independent.co.uk