The Top 10: Jokes

As is traditional in the holiday season, I leave you in the hands of Twitter’s finest wits

(Moose Allain/Twitter)

Thanks to all those who light up the world’s second-favourite* microblogging website, especially Moose Allain, who kindly gave me permission to use his cartoon.

*Weibo, the Chinese equivalent, has 580 million active monthly users; Twitter has 330 million.

1. Avoid becoming a workaholic by only doing jobs which contain no workahol. Moose Allain.

2. I know it’s a long shot but does anyone know what a trebuchet is? Big Bear.

3. Bit Grumpy this morning. Then I slapped Dopey and kicked Sleepy. Not Happy. Robert Wilkinson.

4. The word “gouge” used to be spelt “gouige”, until they took an “i” out. Daniel Edison.

5. “Whoever did this crime was very much at one with themselves.” “You think it was pre-meditated?” Moose Allain.

6. Interviewer: “So where do you see yourself in five years’ time?” Me: “My biggest weakness? Probably not listening properly.” Cluedont.

7. “My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.” “Toaster?” “Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!” “Get out.” Glenny Rodge.

8. On 26 March in Germany it was the start of German Summer Time, which was introduced by Konrad Adenauer. David Quantick.

9. Mechanic: “Your car’s got a flat.” Me: “It’s called a garage.” Andy Ryan.

10. Two social workers happen upon a beaten and bloody man lying groaning on the pavement. One turns to the other and says, “My God, whoever did this urgently needs our help.” Via David Bennun.

Next week: People who have been compared to Caligula’s horse, such as Andrew Johnson, US president 1865-69, “an insolent drunken brute in comparison with which Caligula’s horse was respectable”.

Coming soon: Buildings that nobody knows are named after MPs, such as Quibell Park Stadium, Scunthorpe.

Your suggestions please, and ideas for future Top 10s, to me on Twitter, or by email to top10@independent.co.uk