Watching Tory infighting is like listening to a group of Arsenal fans

Michael Gove will go on ‘Newsnight’ and say, ‘I’m SICK of this bruv, we’ve got NOTHING up front, we can’t even beat CORBYN bruv, she’s not even TRYING’, and smash a bottle on Emily Maitlis’s table

There's no clear successor to May, or indeed, any ideas for them to implement (Reuters)

This Conservative leadership crisis is much more fun than normal ones.

The usual practice is for MPs to pretend to support their leader, but this time the best they can manage is “Of course I stand fully behind the Prime Minister, who’s doing an excellent job despite her extremely limited capabilities and inability to do any bastard thing whatsoever including speaking out loud, the insufferable pillock, although I remain a huge supporter of the robotic incoherent dingbat.”

One Tory MP, Johnny Mercer, said Labour will come to power unless the party “get our shit together” and another said “this Government has to start f***ing doing something”.

It’s like listening to Arsenal fans. Michael Gove will go on Newsnight and say “I’m SICK of this bruv, we’ve got NOTHING up front, we can’t even beat CORBYN bruv, she’s not even TRYING”, and smash a bottle on Emily Maitlis’s table.

All normal etiquette has disappeared, so Chris Grayling will tell Andrew Marr: “The important point Andrew, is to continue making steady and meaningful progress with Brexit negotiations. That is why my message to Boris Johnson is ‘Do you want some? Do you? Do you want one of your bikes up your arse? Do you? I’m ready for you, you slag’. And that is how we can take this party and the country forward to a bright future.”

They all agree no one is likely to do any better, but they don’t seem to care, saying “let’s get rid of her anyway, it will be a laugh”, like someone thinking “let’s see what happens if we put some piranhas in the swimming pool”.

The names suggested as possible leaders are wonderful. There’s Liam Fox, who had to resign in disgrace because he was allowing a friend to accompany him on government business and arrange defence contracts. He’ll say “I’m prepared to lead the party I love, as long as my mate Alf gets the contract for rebuilding the Houses of Parliament. He’s got access to some Albanians you see, and they’ll work for nothing. He can do it for £3bn, no VAT. Come on, you’re having his hand off.”

Then there’s Priti Patel who only resigned a few weeks ago. Maybe there will be a rule change in the constitution and no one’s allowed to become leader unless they’ve already been caught lying. By the weekend the favourite will be Jeffrey Archer, along with Sepp Blatter and a joint bid from the gang that robbed Hatton Garden.

But even they can’t match the suggestion of Jeremy Hunt. He’s hated by a profession known as angels, so he’s certain to win an election. After all, the only people who despise him are the minority who work in, use or know anyone who has been an NHS patient. And a leader prepared to stand up to cliques like that is exactly what the country’s crying out for.

The other contenders will be the woman who put a cat in a wheelie bin as she’s not afraid to take tough decisions. And Switchblade Arthur, undisputed leader of the “Stab Everyone U Meet Crew” that runs Birmingham’s drug scene. His pitch for leader will be he’ll tell Jean Claude Junker “Don’t tread on my ’hood, fam. See big Nathan there with the gold teeth and machete. That’s my Minister for Cutting U Up, u get me. U don’t believe me fam, u should see what he done to the Privy Council.”

And he’ll get through to the fourth round, before withdrawing in a deal to support Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Or they can have a different guest leader every week, like on Have I Got News For You, one week Vladimir Putin, then Christopher Biggins, who spends until Thursday saying “I don’t mind that he rode his horse to work but it’s left SUCH a mess on the Downing Street carpet.”

Or they could decide to have no leader, like an anarchist group. The Cabinet will discuss Brexit while sat in a circle on the floor on cushions, and the debate will end when Johnny Mercer yells “We’ve got to get our shit together.”

And through it all strides the gloriously self-aware Iain Duncan-Smith, who displayed his usual perceptive powers this week, when asked to comment on the Government’s report that every imaginable version of Brexit will leave the country worse off. He insisted the report must be ignored, because these government reports are “always wrong”.

That’s true leadership, to announce “Whatever you do, don’t take any notice of anything we say, we’re all idiots.”

Duncan-Smith was an early advocate of unity in his party following the general election. I sat next to him on a radio show, in which he spoke for five minutes on the necessity of Conservatives pulling together despite their differences. Then a clip of an interview with Michael Heseltine was played in, and as soon as it came on, Duncan-Smith said “Why does the BBC interview this fool, he represents nothing?”

And this seems to speak for all Tory MPs, who agree “all the others are idiots, who won’t put aside their personal values for the sake of unity by agreeing with me, the divisive liberal twats”.

Maybe their problem isn’t there’s no obvious leader to take over, it’s that there’s no obvious idea for them to follow. A year ago they believed that handing everything to big business, and imposing austerity on everyone else, was so popular it couldn’t be challenged. Now they realise it clearly isn’t popular, and have no idea why or what to put in its place.

So maybe every Tory MP will stand for leader, all vote for themselves, and it will be a massive 317-way one-all draw.