Donald Trump and Theresa May’s joint news conference: what they said – and what they really meant

Our chief political commentator imagines what was really going through the minds of the president and the prime minister

What she actually said: I am very pleased to welcome the president of the United States of America on this state visit to the United Kingdom.

What she really meant: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Barack Obama.

What she said: For the past two and a half years, the president and I have had the duty and privilege of being the latest guardians of this precious and profound friendship between our countries.

What she meant: We are all “here today, gone tomorrow” politicians, and that includes you, Donald. I’m not saying I’ll be pleased if you turn out to be a one-term president.

What she said: Like prime ministers and presidents before us, and no doubt those that will come after – we can also differ sometimes on how to confront the challenges we face.

What she meant: I’m sorry to go, obviously, but the one bit I won’t miss will be the weary sigh at about 1 o’clock in the afternoon: “What’s he tweeted now.”

What she said: I have always talked openly with you, Donald, where we have taken a different approach – and you have done the same with me.

What she meant: I have been polite to you. You have been rude to me. But what the hell. I’m off in a few days, retiring with my sudokus.

What she said: I also set out the UK’s approach to tackling climate change and our continued support for the Paris agreement.

What she meant: I know, it’s not exactly Hugh Grant, is it? But in my quiet, home counties, Church of England way, I told him what’s what.

What the president actually said: We remember the heroes that laid down their lives to rescue civilisation itself … Normandy … The liberal – liberation of Europe ... They saved freedom for the world ... Bonds of friendship sealed in blood.

What he really meant: It says here. A bit colourful, this stuff, isn’t it? I wrote it all myself. Well, I could have written it all myself. I’m a busy man. I have important stuff to do, so sometimes I get my people to do this stuff for me. Is there much more of this?

What he said: Freedom and independence as a sacred birthright…

What he meant: Yeah, nearly done.

What he said: The United States is committed to a phenomenal trade deal. Probably two or three times what we are doing at the moment.

What he meant: We will buy up your whole country and rinse it in chlorine.

What he said: We will visit the legendary Churchill War Rooms.

What he meant: Where the legendary Winston Churchill burnt the cakes after he pulled the sword out of the stone.

What he said [to Theresa May]: You are a tremendous professional and a person that loves your country dearly.

What he meant: All these journalists came to see you give me a piece of your mind because you have nothing to lose, and they came to see me humiliate you just because I could. Well, fake news media, I never do what you expect. I am going to be gracious.

What he said: I don’t know Jeremy Corbyn. He wanted to meet today or tomorrow and I decided I would not do that.

What he meant: Theresa suggested I tell him to get lost. Seemed like a smart idea.

What he said [asked if Britain should leave the EU]: I don’t like to take positions on things I’m not really – I understand the issue very well. I predicted what was going to happen.

What he meant: I am physically incapable of saying that I do not know everything about everything.

What he said: I believe it [Brexit] will happen. I believe the prime minister’s brought it to a very good point where something will happen in the not-too-distant future.

What he meant: She has made a complete mess of it and now Boris Johnson will take my advice and sort it out in a matter of minutes.

What she said: Obviously it will be for whoever succeeds me as prime minister. The president suggested we sue the EU. We didn’t take that advice.

What she meant: The man’s a fool who knows nothing about international negotiation.

What he said: She’s probably a better negotiator than I am. Perhaps you won’t be given the credit you deserve.

What he meant: You’ll probably get the credit you deserve.