This is what it’s like to celebrate Valentine’s Day as an asexual person

Sometimes Valentine’s Day feels like a nagging reminder of the fact that society still struggles to understand my sexuality

Evan Edinger
Thursday 14 February 2019 12:51 GMT
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People like to say ‘you just haven’t found the one’ to asexual people – but that’s not true
People like to say ‘you just haven’t found the one’ to asexual people – but that’s not true

I've never really celebrated Valentine’s Day in my adult life. Sure, as a kid, I would follow all the traditions like writing cards and putting lollipops in the folders of other kids in my class’s desks, but it never really meant much.

For me it comes around like any other day of the year, but with the added expectation of having to be an over the top performative romantic with your significant other.

As somebody who identifies as being on the asexual spectrum, I’ve never really had the opportunity to take advantage of the romance of Valentine’s Day. A lot of people get confused about what it means to be asexual – often grouping together celibacy and asexuality under the same roof, but they’re very different things.

Choosing to not have sex is not the same as not experiencing sexual impulses to act upon.

I realised I was on the asexual spectrum when one of my friend’s pointed out that my dating stories sounded pretty close to a term they had learned recently, “demisexual” (someone who is only sexually attracted to a person once they’ve established a substantial emotional connection). I was unsure at first, but did my own research, and was surprised to find that the identifiers of that sexuality matched my own so well.

I first posted a video about it five years ago on my YouTube channel, talking about my personal experience and discovering myself. At the time, I focused on sharing my story, and how good it felt knowing that I wasn’t as “alone” as my sexuality initially made me feel.

Later, it transpired that discussing my experience helped others too – I’ve since had so many people tell me their first introduction to understanding their own sexuality was through my video.

The most frequent thing people will say to me when they meet me at a convention or on the streets is that my sexuality video helped them in some way. It’s nice to know that for some, the fact that I’m open about my sexuality on YouTube has helped them understand their own.

In that way, my platform has allowed me to create and connect with a more understanding community of like-minded people.

The thing about most people on the asexual scale is that they tend to be very quiet about it.

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Some people conflate it with “choosing” not to be sexual which simply isn’t the case. Just as people don’t choose what gender they find themselves attracted to, asexuals do not choose to not have sexual feelings for anyone.

More recently, Valentine’s Day has been a little reminder of how I feel my sexuality holds me back. I’m in a constant war of accepting it and rejecting it – and 14 February is a big societal reminder that I’m different from others.

People like to say “you just haven’t found the one” to asexual people, which is a bit demeaning, to say the least. We readily accept the fact that there are people who are more sexually active than others; it shouldn’t be hard to imagine that people exist on the opposite end of that spectrum.

I’ve been on dates before, and most of the people I’ve seen have been really understanding, which is helpful. Sometimes my sexuality naturally comes up in conversation, and on other dates, it’s taken a lot longer.

It can be hard to be on the same page as somebody if I’m the first asexual person they’ve encountered, and I’ve found that communication is key here. But what never fails to give me hope, is that by opening up about myself and my sexuality publicly, I have helped a larger community of people to understand themselves a little more too.

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