Alan Parker, 56, is a film director, writer and producer whose many film include `The Commitments' and `Evita'. His latest film, `Angela's Ashes', will be released in the autumn. He recently received a Lifetime Achievement Award from the Directors' Guild of Great Britain, and is chairman of the British Film Institute. He lives in London

Following the news that recession is now officially impossible, Rogue Trader has obtained a leaked copy of the prestigious Prozac Institute of Financial Optimism's Global Economic Futures Report. The report was commissioned by Robert "Genius" Rubin just before he stepped down as US Treasury Secretary. It outlines the key assumptions underlying his successful stewardship of the US (ie, world) economy.

BY CONRAD LEACH

Population Notes

Head to head Should we still celebrate pagan British festivals like maypole dancing? Lead the way, says white witch Kate West. God forbid, says the Rev Paul Harris

Nicholas Fearn on a dynasty determined to stamp its mark on the Scottish coast

The famous course has a few new tricks to give the best a sterner test.

ONE OBVIOUS reason put forward for the bombing campaign against President Milosevic - the only good one, when you come to think of it - was that it might relieve the plight of the civilians on the ground, though there were always those who doubted this. Anyway, a Times leader described that plight as "abominable"; and I suppose it was as good a word as any for what has been happening to the people of Kosovo.

I THINK I may have picked the wrong bloke. I went all the way to Pembroke, at the most western extremity of wild Wales, to meet Peter Lemesurier. There is always a danger in travelling so far, for the very process of journeying tends to invest meaning in our enterprises. And, given its remoteness, it seemed just the place to find a mystical seer.

If you are famous, your infant can earn a million - if you're not, but he (or she) is cute, that can make you rich too

I put my son to bed and waited outside for the car. I needed to be moving; to get a grip on my emotion

Valerie, an experienced freelance on contract, has been offered a bleeper by her bosses so that they can contact her when they want to. She has a phobia about using it. Nor does she want a mobile phone ringing all the time. Does anyone else feel the same way?

A director of the Rationalist Press Association responds to Paul Vallely's recent articles about atheism

GLENN HODDLE'S future as coach of the England football team could be decided over the next 24 hours amid outrage over his claims that disabled people are being punished for sins in previous lives.