The ballad of Melvyn Bragg

One way to celebrate National Poetry Day

25 October 2007

National Poetry Day came and went when I was away, so belatedly I bring you this folk classic which I once collected in the Lake District, called “Old Bragg's Ballad”.

Lord Bragg of Cumbria
Was a clever old bloke
Who wrote clever novels
And knew clever folk

Who said clever things
When he asked them to go
On that cleverest of programmes,
The South Bank Show.

But Lord Bragg of Cumbria
Was also aware
That there's no point being clever
If there's no one out there.

You can say all you like
About science and art
But if nobody’s listening
It’s not worth a fart.

You can utter pure wisdom
On art and on science
But none of it works
If you haven’t got clients.

So Lord Bragg of Cumbria
He swore a great oath
That he would preach art
And science – yes, both! –

Aloud from the rooftops
Or soft, if need be,
And so he went straight
To the dear BBC

To knock very humbly
Upon the big door
Of the big, fat controller
Of Radio 4,

To ask for a strand,
Or a niche, or a slot,
From which he could broadcast
All the knowledge he’d got

(And if his knowledge
Of something was rough,
He’d bring in some experts
Who did know their stuff.)

“I see,” said the Head
Of Radio 4
“And what kind of subjects
Are you aiming for?”

“Erasmus and Voltaire
And Blake,” said the Lord,
“And Leibnitz and Bacon
And Ford Madox Ford

And why the heavens
Appear to us blue,
And all of the sciences
And alchemy too!”

“Ah – like A-level revision!”
Said the Radio Fourlord.
“To stop older listeners
From getting too bored!”

Lord Bragg of Cumbria
Grew red in the face
And up and down furiously
Began to pace.

“These are not study notes!
This is not a crash course!
This is knowledge, pure knowledge,
From the purest of source!

This is learning for serious
– We are not playing games!
No BritArt or Will Self,
Or even Clive James!

Just unknown professors
And experts galore
Explaining it all,
With me to the fore ...”

“Stop, stop!” said the man
From Radio 4.
“Just go away and do it,
And disturb me no more.”

Yes, Lord Bragg of Cumbria
By the nine gods he swore
That the people of Britain
Should stay ignorant no more.

For years they had wallowed
Like purposeless swine
But now every Thursday
At three minutes past nine

On Radio 4
Right after the news
Lord Bragg and his experts
Would simply refuse

To let them still wallow
In primeval slime
And listen instead
To In Our Time ...

It was at about this point, unfortunately, that the battery on my recorder ran out. If anyone knows the end of this spirited ballad, I would be glad to hear from them.