e-mail > female: I am bored rigid by leonardo dicaprio too ...

From ClarissaH@greatestates. co.uk

Dear Jim

Nice to see you back home last w/end for mother's day. i know mum was really touched by the champagne and belgian chocolates. next time however will u not nick pounds 30 off me on saturday night claiming u have no food for the week.

love clarissa x

From ClarissaH

hello anna

how's work going? here it's dreadful. hated bossman solmes still thinks he's gordon brown on budget day and keeps marching round shouting 'prudence with a purpose! where the hell is prudence this morning? not late again?'

there is always an embarrassing silence before everyone remembers to laugh.

he is still under the impression that i am madly in love with him as well. i was talking to martina about how bored i was of leonardo dicaprio stuff when he came up to talk to me about this W9 flat i haven't managed to sell. she moved off. 'no. no dont feel u have to leave clarissa and me alone,' he leered. there was a pause and martina looked at me oddly. i noticed the smoking room fell ominously silent when i went in later.

From annahowe@richardsons. com

hello clarissa,

o god how awful. tell him to get stuffed. i am bored rigid by leonardo dicaprio too. isn't it depressing when screen gods look so young u feel u wd be sent to prison if u went anywhere near them?

From ClarissaH

sooooooo depressing. can't even bring myself to think about the fact that he is 23 but looks about 14. urgh and u think wot 14-yr-old boys are like ...

From annahowe

anyway far more important - i have a crisis. need yr advice. david has asked me to go away for the w/end. when i asked him where, he wdn't tell me. said it was a surprise. u see my problem.

From ClarissaH

ok. take pair of jeans, attractive sloppy jumper, 3 x t-shirts and boots in case of rural idyll. but add 2x slip dresses, one good jacket, smart trousers and jumper in case he comes up trumps and it's paris. don't forget yr suspenders. that's all u need and if it is first w/end away u have to make the effort.

From annahowe

o god there must be a woman in the world whose legs look thin in stockings. still if natasha walter says u can wear a wonderbra and be a feminist i suppose i'm only doing my bit for the sisterhood

From ClarissaH

well, sister, u better make sure u pay half the hotel bill then.

From annahowe

o god i suppose i shd. god it's bloody expensive having a raised consciousness.

how's yr love life?

From ClarissaH

well christina's calmed down and is so in lust with trustafarian she's stopped mentioning me and rob every 10 seconds. haven't heard anything from him. for which of course i am devoutly grateful

Next day

From ClarissaH

i am going to kill jon. i really am. how as a loyal flatmate cd he do this to me? got home last night about to cook myself nice comforting cheese pasta. martina has taken to sniggering every time i go past her desk. dump stuff in kitchen & see jon in living room.

'what on earth are u doing here?' he says. 'i live here remember,' i reply starting to grate the cheese. 'but but u r not meant to be here. u r meant to be out,' he stammered. 'it's ok. if u have got someone coming round i'll keep out of the way,' i said kindly. 'who is he? anyone handsome?'

From annahowe

o god hope it wasn't that bit of stuff he was chatting up at my do.

From ClarissaH

no. it wasn't. 'er, well, thought u were out and christina is round shagging her trustafarian so it wdn't make any difference if he came to get his cds and anyway he is my mate and i can invite who i like whatever u say ...' i finally clicked. 'are u completely bonkers?' i said. 'how dare u invite that serial snogger rob round? have u got no sense whatsoever? ring him up and tell him not to come or i'll grate yr nose off.' 'i don't think i can,' he said. just then the doorbell rang

From annahowe

i guess this is not the moment to tell u david's taking me to paris ...