My Weird Week on La Croisette

Cannes Diary

*Mohamed al-Fayed was set to promote Keith Allen's unlawfully bad documentary Unlawful Killing, about the death of Princess Diana.

The night before its screening, he pulled out, citing "business commitments", leaving Allen to pick up the pieces. This was unfortunate, since Allen spends much of his documentary criticising hacks.

*Danish director Lars von Trier thought he was cheering up the world by telling it he was a Nazi when promoting Melancholia. He may have been joking; the festival saw otherwise. He is now not allowed within 100 metres of the Palais des Festivals.

*Jonathan King, the disgraced music producer, was promoting his new film Me Me Me. King was spotted wearing a sparkly Union Jack jacket on the Croisette, in a self-anointed role as national ambassador. He was reportedly a hit with the French.

*Nicolas Sarkozy had the mother of all breaks when The Conquest, the less-than-flattering film about his life, screened the week a global scandal broke out about another high-profile, French public figure.