MODERN MANNERS: YOUR CUT-OUT-AND-KEEP GUIDE TO SURVIVING THE MINEFIELD

Dear Serena,

I work part-time as a lap-dancer to support my three children by different fathers. Recently I slept with my flatmate's boyfriend, but he broke my heart soon afterwards when he slept with my mother! The question is: should I have a breast-enhancement or not?

Maxine, Powys

I don't know about the breast-enhancement, but a good agent should be able to start a bidding war for your story among the daytime television companies. Invest in a wig and you may well be able to double your earnings.

After years of being single after my last divorce, I joined a dating agency where, after a series of disastrous meals and drinks, I met a wonderful woman with whom I have discovered a compatibility I didn't know existed. We have been seeing each other for four months now, and have decided to consolidate our happiness by getting engaged. We are both concerned, though, about the interpretation people may put on our relationship if they find out how we met. How do we explain when people, as they inevitably will, do ask?

Brendan, Oxford

It doesn't really matter what you say, as long as your stories match up; if your story is prosaic enough they will immediately forget about it. Then again, this is your chance to make a splash: tell everyone that your fiancee rescued you from the jaws of an alligator and you'll never go short of dinner invitations again.

Can I have male guests at my hen night?

Carrie, West Bromwich

Of course you can; in fact, it is almost compulsory. But please remember that men are sensitive flowers, and tend to go faint when confronted with too many giant plastic phalluses.

I've had a crush on my best friend's girlfriend throughout their year- long relationship, which has been stormy, to say the least. A couple of weeks ago they had the row that broke them up and all I can think of is that I could at last be in with a chance. How long a hiatus should I leave before I ask her out?

Craig, Middlesex

Don't even think about it, Craig. Whatever your best friend says about his ex, he will feel utterly betrayed if you get into her bed while the sheets are still warm. You have to wait until your friend has moved on and developed another relationship, and if this takes time, then time is what you'll have to give it. And even then, you'd be wise to check his feelings before you make that phone call. If you're afraid that she will get fixed up in the meantime, then this is a risk you have to take; there are always opportunities, marriage excepted, for re-establishing contact further down the line, but losing your best friend over a petty fantasy would be an extremely bad idea. Remember: a friend in need is worth any number of birds in the bush.

How do I get rid of a persistent insurance salesman?

Cilla, Blackpool

Get yourself a job selling double-glazing.

You may remember me; I used to play the one with the hot pants and push- up bra in sitcoms, but I haven't worked much since I reached the age of 25. Now I'm in my mid-forties, my agent has suggested that I could make some money by appearing in celebrity panels on game shows. What do you think?

Linzi, Weybridge

Understand one thing: appearing on game shows can never enhance your career, not even if you're Gyles Brandreth or Christopher Biggins. Many people, for instance, think that appearing on Countdown will lend them some intellectual gravitas, whereas what in fact happens is that they become irrevocably associated with Richard Stilgoe in the minds of the general public. Go on quiz shows only if you really are good at quizzes, and avoid Blankety Blank like the plague, as all those B-listers competing for attention are a tragic sight. After this warning, if you are still dead set on going ahead, your best bet would be to choose the shows with the most unattractive hosts, as you will at least look good in comparison. Bearing this in mind, I would suggest that you apply to appear on Never Mind the Buzzcocks.

I'm having a dinner party next weekend, to which I have invited a Moslem, a vegan, a Jew, a Hay dieter, someone with wheat intolerance, and a stressed executive with a stomach ulcer. Which genetically modified foods can I feed them?

Dulcie, Streatham

Soya-milk rice pudding and long-life tomatoes. And do try to keep the Hay dieter and the stressed executive apart, as the former's self-obsession will probably drive the latter into hospital.

Knotty problems with the world today? Write to The Independent, 18th Floor, 1 Canada Square, London E14 5DL, where you will be attended to with the customary sympathy