You'd like do some more fine-tuning on your bike but…
(a) You pose an immediate threat with a spanner within five yards of you, so instead you promptly and correctly take the bike to your nearest workshop.
(b) The oil stains from last time didn't come out of the dining-room carpet quite as well as you promised your partner they would.
(c) You're too busy updating Facebook with pictures of your new mountain bike and the words "Dialling in my epiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiic new ride. Boom."
Your car is…
(a) A five-year-old Ford Focus. Why?
(b) Worth less than my bike.
(c) History. See you at the Critical Mass ride?
An elderly driver very nearly pulls out right in front of you…
(a) You swerve, and feel a bit shaky at the next lights – the poor geezer looked as terrified as you.
(b) You stop, swear loudly and shake your head in a way that you just know shames the driver and every road user within half-a-mile.
(c) You high-five yourself that you turned on your helmet-cam before setting off. That old git's face is gonna be all over the web once you get this clip up on Twitter.
Wow, that's a fancy new upgrade on your bike!
(a) I know! Tyres with real air in them!
(b) The lights? The longer I ride, the more of them I add. It's a safety thing.
(c) Yeah, scored these deep-dish racing wheels out of a skip, actually? Had to fight off a couple of Japanese student dudes for them.
You don't have a cycling related tattoo, do you?
(a) No, are you mad?
(b) No, are you insane?
(c) Of course I do.
At the traffic lights, the best place to position yourself on a bike is…
(a) As far away from the lorries as I can get.
(b) Directly in front of that wazzock in the full Team Sky kit.
(c) Across the pedestrian crossing bit, headphones on, iPod out, teeing up a mahoosif tune for the last mile home.
You almost caused a big pile-up at that last roundabout because…
(a) Tumps did a wee in the front basket, naughty doggy!
(b) You dropped your skinny flat white writing that last tweet.
(c) All of the above.
You're just back from a lovely Sunday ride. Do you…
(a) Put the bike in the shed for another three months and lie down for quite a long time.
(b) Update Facebook with the words: "Just call me Wiggo!"
(c) Ignore your co-riders while you pore over an iPhone analysing your Strava Pro data with a double macchiato.
How many gears do you have?
(a) Slow and dead stop.
(b) 22: 11-speed cassette with compact double front chainring.
(c) Fixed gear, buddy. It's a state of mind.
You've got a brand new saddle, but you're worried that…
(a) It's going to get nicked like the last one.
(b) It's going to hurt – it's slightly "sportier" than you're used to.
(c) It's charcoal grey and doesn't match your black bar tape and black wheels – you're going to be the laughing stock of the next Sunday ride.
If you answered mostly:
(a) You may have forgotten where you last parked your bike. Or whether you even own a bike.
(b) Better. Promising moments of righteousness, let down by streaks of self-awareness.
(c) Congratulations – you are a truly smug cyclist, convinced that all other road users are mere extras in the gripping blockbuster that is your life in the saddle.
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