Recent jokes

Safe smoking

Two old ladies were stood at a bus stop. One got out a cigarette andproceeded to smoke. Just then it started to rain, so the old lady got out acondom, cut the end off and placed the rest over the cigarette and continuedto smoke.

"That's clever" said the other lady, "but what's that on your cigarette?".

"It's a condom." she replied.

"Where do I get them from?" the first asked.

"A chemist." replied the second.

So the next day, the old lady went to her local chemist and asked for apacket of condoms.

The young assistant looked at her and thought "why does this old lady want apacket of condoms?" and then "oh well. A sales a sale" and asked "Certainlymadam. What size?"

The old lady thought for a moment and replied "Er. Camel?"

Thanks to Steve Clark

Escaped rabbit

One day a rabbit managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We make love to them. Go and try it." The rabbit spent the rest of the day with the female bunnies until eventually he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," the rabbit replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a smoke."

Doctor doctor

A man lives in an old "back to back" house. He starts to suffer pains when going to the toilet and when he can stand it no longer plucks up the courage to visit his doctor. The doctor examines him and writes out a prescription.

"Take these suppositories three times a day" advises the GP "and put them into your back passage. If you are no better after 3 days, come back and see me"

The next day after breakfast the man gets a suppository, opens his back door and throws one down the passage. After lunch, another suppository is taken from its packet, the back door is opened and it follows the first one into the passage. The same happens in the evening and so on for the following two days.

Of course the man doesn't get any better, so feeling very upset returns to his GP.

"How did you get on?" asked the doctor. "Useless" replies the man. "For all the good they did, I may as well have stuck them up my arse......."

Many thanks to Graham Shelton for e-mailing this joke.

Sorry for the delay

A few days after Christmas, Johnny's mother was workingin the kitchen and listening to him playing with his newelectric train in the living room. She heard the trainstop and Johnny said, "All of you sons of bitches whowant off, get the hell off now because this is the laststop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, getyour butts on the friggin' train and sit your butts downbecause we're leaving."

Johnny's mother stormed into the living room and said,"We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now goto your room for two hours. When you've settled down, youcan play with your trains again, as long as you useproper language."

Two hours later, Johnny came out of his room and resumedplaying with his train. Soon, the train stopped andJohnny's mother heard, "All passengers who aredisembarking the train, please remember to take all ofyour belongings with you. We thank you for riding with ustoday and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For thoseof you just boarding, we ask that you stow your handluggage under your seat and we hope you enjoy your trip.For those of you who are pissed off about the two hourdelay, please see the friggin' b**** in the kitchen."

Butchers' shop

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that hecouldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaksare too high.'

Kangaroo

Why shouldn't you accept a check from a kangaroo?

It might bounce!

Speeding snail

There was once a snail that was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference.

After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

Bad news

There was a man who went into the hospital and the doctor said 'I have some bad news and some worse news,' so the guy said 'What's the bad news?' and the doctor said, 'Well, this report I've got here says you've got two days', so the guy said 'Gee, doc, what's the worse news?' and the doctor said 'I've been trying to get in touch with you for two days'.

Vet bill

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog is dead."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark". The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table.

The cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been £50, but with all the Lab work and then a cat scan..."

Tommy Cooper jokes

I slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.

I went to the doctor and said 'It hurts when I press here, here, and here.' He said 'You've broken your finger'

I went to the doctor and said 'I keep having these terrible dreams - all these beautiful women keep running towards me, and I keep pushing them away. They keep running towards me, and I still keep pushing them away'. The doctor said 'What do you want me to do?' I said 'Break my arms'

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said (camply) 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My dog's died.'

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

The duck and the chemist

A duck walks in to a chemist and starts wandering around. The chemist walks up to him and stares at him. "What?" says the duck. "Oh, erm... nothing.... can I help you?" "Yes please," says the duck, "I'd like some lip salve". "Oh certainly" replies the chemist, and gets it for him. "Three pounds fifty please". "Oh no it's alright," says the duck, "just put it on my bill"

Mystery illness

A man returns from Africa and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the Hospital, to undergo a barrage of tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!"

"Oh my goodness," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"

"Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me?" asked the man.

The doctor replied, "Well no, but...it's the only food we can get under the door."

Horse riding

David Beckham decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace as Posh stands back in admiration, but then he begins to slip from the saddle. In terror he grabs the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly empervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, he gives up his frail grasp and he attempts to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, now he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over and over.

Posh stands there frantic, unable to do anything to help as his head is battered against the ground. He is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to his great fortune.....

The Sainsbury's security guard sees him, leans over, and unplugs the horse.

Old cows

Q How do you get 100 old cows into a shed?

A Put a 'Bingo' sign out the front.

Wise words from the guru...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Man who love and loses, have not right lawyer.

When lady say 'no' she mean 'perhaps' when she say 'perhaps' she mean 'yes' but when she say 'yes', she not a lady.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

When man 60 marry girl 25, like buying book for someone else to read.

Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner.

Television never replace old reliable key hole.

Laziest man in world who marry widow with six children.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache.

Criminal stupidity

45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil change. According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize that the mechanic would have to raise the bonnet to change the oil.

Karen Lee Joachimmi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida, for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chain saw, which was not plugged in.

Deep root treament

Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who refused Novacane during root canal treatment?
A: He was attempting to transcend dental medication!

Joke of the day