Alain Ducasse at the Dorchester, Park Lane, London

The Midas touch

The dining room is a symphony of beige and taupe, its surfaces breathing money like the interior of a showroom-fresh Aston Martin. Battalions of waiters scud from kitchen to table, apparently cloned, "Sorcerer's Apprentice"-style, from a single Gallic prototype. Dishes arrive under silver cloches, the crystal glasses feather-light, the designer silverware reassuringly hefty. So much is to be expected of the latest opening from Alain Ducasse, the fêted super-chef behind some of the world's most dazzling restaurants.

What you don't expect in such a setting and really, really don't want is to listen to a party of City boys bellowing about their sexual exploits at full volume. And that's what we got when we dined at Chef Ducasse's eagerly awaited new restaurant at the Dorchester.

The noise issued from a private table, the "table lumire", veiled from the rest of the room by a shimmering fibreoptic curtain. Inside the curtain, the illusion is of being in a private room. Outside, it was like sitting next to some kind of cacophonous art installation. Topics under discussion moved from derivatives via one-night-stands, to the BNP (the bank rather than the political party, I'm pretty sure), and all relied heavily on the word "fuck".

OK, you can't judge a restaurant by its clientele. But you can judge it by how it handles unruly diners. And the management here did absolutely nothing, allowing the rumpled culprits to stagger out to the loos for regular "comfort breaks" without cautioning them to keep the noise down. It was OK for me and Harry hey, we didn't have much to say to each other anyway. But hellish for the groups of people who were celebrating special occasions, and the private-jet set who'd come to sample this latest star on the London dining scene.

But apart from that, Mrs Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play? Does this Ducasse his first London venture apart from the now-vanished Spoon brasserie in the Sanderson Hotel live up to the heights of his Michelin-garlanded empire?

Never having had the fortune to eat at Le Louis XV in Monte Carlo or the Plaza Ath*e in Paris, I'm not in a position to make comparisons. But given M. Ducasse's notorious perfectionism, I can't believe he'd be entirely happy with some elements of our experience, shouty men aside. Those cheesy choux puffs that started things off, for example, which had the disappointing flabbiness of something from an M&S selection that's been left sitting around. Or the equally soggy performance of the sommelier, whose slowness to take our order meant we were on to our first courses before our wine arrived.

There were highs to compensate, from a menu that offers a greatest hits line-up of Ducasse classics. Most of these dishes are like international celebrities; with years of polishing behind them, they just have to turn up and wave. Literally, in the case of a main course of seared scallops scattered with dried bonito flakes, which undulate like anenomes as a ponzu vinaigrette is poured over them. A nice effect, but an unbalanced dish; the sauce packed such a citrus-heavy punch that it overwhelmed the other ingredients.

A starter of squid bonbons dim sum-like parcels stuffed with an oriental dice of squid and vegetables was complex and original; the stand-out dish of the night. Elsewhere, a reliance on heavy saucing and luxe ingredients felt old-fashioned, as in a main course of poached breast of Landes chicken in a rich cream and foie gras sauce, which commanded a 10 supplement.

As is often the case in very expensive restaurants, courses are broken up with waves of unadvertised extras: baby vegetables with whipped cream cheese; pumpkin ravioli in parmesan emulsion; and several trolleys bearing sweets and chocolates.

These include Ducasse's famous rum baba, a spectacular confection of light, apricot-glazed sponge and whipped vanilla cream, doused in brown or white rum, and served in a purpose-built device that opens like a miniature planetarium. Harry's coco caramel delight, an oblong biscuit that reminded him of the world's poshest Twix, was sprinkled with gold leaf. The presence of Dame Shirley Bassey at a nearby table made the urge to belt out a chorus of "Gold-fingeeeerrrr" almost irresistible.

The meal climaxed in a flurry of further delicacies, including the best macaroons I've ever eaten, and a selection of bonbons and caramels from the "mignardise" trolley, mostly nibbled in silence as we caught up with the shagging exploits of our neighbours from hell. My discreet attempt to alert a manager to our plight was met with an embarrassed shrug and the French equivalent of "What can you do, eh?".

I suppose there aren't too many places in London where a chap can blow his bonus with quite such ease. The mainly French wine list is fabulously expensive, with very few options under 50 a bottle (the Australian selection starts at 550 and rises to 1,200 for a Penfolds Grange Hermitage). We eventually alighted on the second cheapest white burgundy from Domaine Leflaive, but were redirected towards the cheapest (at 50) by the sommelier, who felt it would match our food choices better. With that and two glasses of non-vintage champagne at 13 each, our bill came to 270; worthy of a rousing rendition of "Hey Big Spender" from Dame Shirley, but it would have been difficult to dine there for much less.

We left this parallel universe where gentlemen diners are required to wear jackets but are allowed to bawl obscenities feeling confused. This is a seriously fine restaurant in many ways, but Ducasse's reputation is of a gastronomic Goldfinger a man with the Midas touch. And if his latest venture is to truly strike gold, someone on the management side needs to pull their finger out.

Alain Ducasse at the Dorchester Park Lane, London W1 (020-7629 8866)

Food
Ambience
Service

Around 75 each for three courses, plus wine

Side orders
French masters

L'Atelier Joel Robuchon

Culinary fireworks with flash interior to match at French super-chef Joel Robuchon's London outpost. Classics include foie-gras stuffed quail and truffle-mashed potato. Watch your food being prepared as you dine at the Japanese-style counter.

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Sketch

The prices can be astronomical at this elaborate gastro-complex but if you want to sample French masterchef Pierre Gagnaire's exotic creations, opt for a meal at the lunch-only Glade restaurant inside, which will set you back a relatively cheap 45 per head.

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Hibiscus

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29 Maddox Street, London W1 (020-7629 2999)

Roussillon

Michelin-starred patron Alexis Gauthier has exported the knowledge learnt at Ducasse's Le Louis XV in Monte Carlo to this brilliant French restaurant in Pimlico. The emphasis is on south-western French cooking using the best British ingredients. Weekday lunch, 35.

16 St Barnabas Street, London SW1 (020-7730 5550)