Virginia Ironside's Dilemmas: Cottage, please!

Dear Virginia, My mother left a cottage to us three children - and it has caused no end of trouble. My brother now lives there with his wife and kids, and he's unemployed; my sister wants to keep it on for sentimental reasons (we had wonderful holidays there); and my husband and I want to sell it so that we can buy a bigger house. It's a nightmare. Any advice? Yours sincerely, Jennie

Virginia writes:

Knowledge is power. Before you even think about discussing this, it's essential that you consult a solicitor to find out what rights each of you has. You don't have to tell your siblings you're doing this - just make an appointment and find out the facts.

Otherwise, when you discuss it, you might as well be murmuring in the dark with blindfolds on. There are far too many legal possibilities to go into here. Are you joint tenants, for instance, or do you own it in equal shares? Does your brother have a lease? Does he pay rent?

It is pointless even tossing just once on your pillow at night about the situation until you know exactly where you stand. Or where you might stand if you took legal action.

The best thing, obviously, would be for your sentimental sister to buy you out. You'd have to get a proper valuation of the property, not only from valuers (who tend to underprice things) but also estate agents (who tend to overprice things).

Eventually, you'll find an amount on which you can agree. Or, if it's very valuable, your sister might be able to buy both you and your brother out, leaving him with enough money to buy a smaller property, but at least one he would own.

It's a kind of cowardly cop-out, I feel, when people leave one thing to be shared by their children. They don't want to show favouritism, understandably, but the decision can cause all kinds of rifts and irritations. Much better to say that you want a property sold and then for the money to be divided equally between the three children. If one of you is mad keen to have it, you can always buy it from the others, after all.

Of course, if you really feel sorry for your unemployed brother, you could at least insist that he pay rent to you and your sister - which would probably be covered by housing benefit. That way, you'd get something out of it, even if, after it was divided between you and your sister, it was rather a pittance.

But it sounds to me as if you really should extricate yourself from this unhappy situation, even if you have to go to a court, which could intervene and order the sale of the property to be divided between you all (bearing in mind that this could be expensive and divisive). It is incredibly frustrating to have money tied up in something when you can't get your hands on it. And if something isn't sorted out quite quickly, it might be that you never get your hands on it.

Your brother may die but his children might hang on, claiming homelessness, and before you knew where you were, you'd have nothing in your lifetime. And you'd be hopping mad.

However much money you might lose in legal action, it would surely be better to be out of all this, with some money at least, than hanging on in there, bitterly resenting your siblings for holding your money prisoner. Yes, it might cause a rift, but you'd all get over it in time, I'm sure. And it might just be that, by initiating a proper sorting out of where you all stand, you would be doing a favour to your siblings that they, too, might appreciate in the end.

Readers say:

You're being selfish

Stop pretending that you are in a "nightmare" situation, and be content with what you have. Your brother is happy (he now has a secure family home), and your sister is happy as the house is still in the family.

You are unhappy because you are greedy and wish to sell the house to fund the purchase of a larger property.

Stop being selfish and be happy for your siblings!

J Moore

Northampton

Tough it out

Oh dear! An opportunist, a sentimentalist and a pragmatist. Back in the 1700s, the Swiss theologian and philosopher Johann Kaspar Lavater said, "Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him." It's tricky stuff.

I think you have to tough this one out. It sounds as if your siblings are happy with the current arrangement, so if you want your share of the equity, you'll have to do the hard yards. There's so much guilt tied up in these decisions, but in the end, you have to recognise that your mother left you each a third of the house, to do with as you see fit.

I would suggest finding an estate lawyer who deals with these issues regularly - they will help you through the minefield and, hopefully, maintain family harmony.

Some options you might want to consider: could your brother afford to pay you and your sister rent at current market rates? Could your sister afford to buy you out? Would the cottage be suitable for holiday rental, so that you would have an income and use for holidays? Is a bigger house really worth the family drama? Is it you or is it your husband who wants the bigger house?

And, finally, what would your mother want?

Liz Reid

Fife

Try a B+B

Get your brother and his family off their lazy backsides and tell them to turn this cottage into a B+B. That way, they earn the right to stay there, you get to "keep it in the family".

Hopefully, it will generate a nice steady income for you and your warring siblings, and the best bit will be having all those free holidays!

Julie Clark

Sheffield

No contest

What a silly mother, to leave a house to three offspring in the first place. There is nothing like inheritance issues to bring out the worst in siblings.

You should not be concerned with the issue of sentimentality, of holidays spent there, of pleasant photographs and memories - all that lives in the past.

Neither should your mother's former home be seen by you just as an asset base for you to increase your property status.

But for your brother, who, for whatever reason, is currently unemployed and has a family to care for, this cottage may be an important step up in their lives. No contest, really.

C Jamison

by email

Next Week's Dilemma

Dear Virginia,

I'm 48 and a widow. Six months ago, I met a wonderful man of 50. We share everything and we love each other. But he won't have sex with me. Just the very odd kiss. He says I am in too much of a hurry, and it was a year before he and his last girlfriend went to bed. Do you think he's impotent and embarrassed? How can I broach this?

Yours sincerely, Fiona

Virginia Ironside's 'No! I Don't Want to Join a Bookclub' is published by Penguin at 6.99