Why married people have the best sex, according to psychotherapist

Don't waste your time trying to 'rekindle the magic'

Rachel Hosie
Thursday 27 July 2017 09:16 BST

Rom-coms would have us believe that our main goal in life should be finding ‘the one.’ And once you’ve found them, you have to pin them down by tying the knot.

And that’s usually where the story ends. But what happens after you walk down the aisle and say your vows?

Society may have us believe that all the passion will drain away from your relationship, but it turns out getting married could actually lead to the best sex of your life.

According to psychotherapist and couples’ sex expert Esther Perel, marriage is when your sex life really begins.

“[Your sex life] doesn’t end when you take your vows,” she told audiences at last month’s Goop wellness summit. “This is when the story starts.”

Whilst in the early stages of a relationship, sex is often spontaneous, Perel says after marriage it becomes more of a “creative enterprise,” but that’s no bad thing.

Many couples believe it’s essential to try and “rekindle the flame” or “recapture the magic” of when they first got together, but Perel believes that’s an error, even though “the romantic ideology is tenacious,” she says.

The fact of the matter is, it’s impossible to recreate the feelings you both had when first getting to know each other, so it’s a waste of time trying.

Instead, you should be focussing on the positives brought about by being in a stable, committed relationship.

“You must cultivate the erotics; give meaning to sex,” Perel said.

Rather than hoping spontaneous sex will just happen, Perel advises you consider both your marriage and sex life as something that “demands focus and attention.”

If you know what turns you on and off, you can use that knowledge to shape your sex life and be in control.

“Once you take ownership,” she says, “then you begin to create a valuable connection.”

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