Relationship expert reveals why you should never view Instagram Story of someone you just started dating

‘We are way too invested in their life for not knowing them yet’

(@somymomsatherapist/TikTok)

A dating expert has revealed why it’s a bad idea to view the Instagram Stories of someone you’re romantically interested in.

Lisa, @somymomsatherapist, is a family, marriage and trauma therapist who often shares videos on TikTok regarding topics like relationships, friendships, and mental health.

In a recent clip, Lisa explained why it is “psychologically” important to avoid looking at a potential partner’s story on Instagram if you’re interested in them. According to the LMFT, by looking at someone’s stories during the “beginning stages” of dating, it may lead to “overthinking” about what they are doing with other people.

“In the beginning stages, when you view their stories and get into their world, you’re most likely somehow either going to get triggered or bumped into your head,” she said. “You’re going to start overthinking like: ‘Who’s that girl?’ ‘Who do they like?’ What about that friend?’”

Lisa emphasised that with Instagram Stories, you can become far “too invested” in the life of someone that you don’t fully know, which is why it’s vital to focus on your “own life”.

“We are way too invested in their life for not knowing them yet,” she explained. “We have a much better chance of our body not bumping out on its own and getting triggered if we stay in our own lane. Stay in our own life.”

According to Lisa, instead of looking at Instagram Stories, those looking for a partner should instead “stay with your own friends,” as you’ll “get to know” the person you’re dating down the line.

“Stay with your own friends,” she said. “I will get to know them as I go. Because looking at their Story bumps us out of our zone. And when bumped out of our zone we get in our head. And getting in our heads gives us all those weird thoughts that make us feel weird inside.”

“Then we all act weird, and then we don’t like the way it feels,” she added.

As of 17 March, the video has more than 360,900 views, with TikTok users in the comments agreeing with Lisa’s advice.

“That’s why it’s important not to add them on any social media,” one viewer said, while another said: “100 per cent plus you allow real emotional connection to grow without the jealousy, irritation and craziness muddling the waters.”

However, some viewers felt like there could be drawbacks to avoiding someone else’s social media accounts.

“What if they post stuff that tells us more about them (potential deal breakers)? I wanna know what I’m getting into,” one person said.

Someone else added: “I feel like I could find a red flag or ick in the stories though I can’t resist watching them.”

Speaking to The Independent, Lisa said that if you look at someone’s Instagram stories, your brain can be taken back to a previous dating experience. For example, if you had trouble trusting a previous partner, you could end up looking at untrustworthy behaviours in your new love interest’s Instagram stories.

“By not looking at someone’s IG story, you avoid creating internal narratives that are most often not true and based out of one’s own personal fears and past experience,” she explained “Rather, not looking gives one the opportunity to come into dating with no agendas, preconceived notions and excitement in getting to know the individual with a clean slate.”

Since social media can be difficult to avoid sometimes, Lisa has acknowledged that there are a couple of ways to avoid those Instagram stories. “A great strategy is to not look them up or add the individual you are just starting to date until after you have spent some time with them,” she said. “Another approach is to simply remove the app from your phone until the strong feelings to look at it dies down and then put it back on. The focus is on helping yourself stay present and regulated and out of your anxious thoughts.”

She also expressed how important it is to think about why you want to look at the stories in the first place and how it can often be due to the fear of getting hurt by the person you’ve just started dating. However, those fears don’t necessarily last forever.

“What we fail to remember is that these feelings and the urge to react to them will pass,” she continued. “They rise and fall like waves. The key is to have strategies ready to go to help one ‘ride the wave out.’ This isn’t just about not looking at someone’s social media story, this is much bigger. ‘How can I manage my anxiety and fears in a way that is choice driven instead of reactive?’”