Reader Dilemma: My partner's relationship with his mother is way too intense - what should I do?

'He’s been watching mother-and-son pornography and has voyeuristic photos of her on his phone'

The next time you and your partner are arguing over money, or whose turn it is to clean the kitchen, just remember — a simple thank you can go a long way. (Corbis)

Dear Virginia

I’ve always thought my partner’s relationship with his mother was too close. But now we’ve moved nearer her, it’s unbearable for me. They discuss their sex lives, kiss on the lips and he runs to her for support if we have a row. He’s been watching mother-and-son pornography and has voyeuristic photos of her on his phone. She doesn’t like me and always tries to belittle me. It feels like she is jealous of me and wants me out of the equation. I love him but I’m finding all this to be a turn-off. How can I stop the pair of them ruining my relationship?

Yours sincerely, Sheila

Virginia says

If anyone reads your letter to me and wonders where the dilemma is, I sympathise. I often get similar letters that baffle me, too. “My partner tore the head off our family kitten, pulled the phone out of the wall while he beat me up, had an affair with my best friend, but I still love him. What can I do?”

It’s the “I love him” bit that is so confusing. Because how could anyone love someone who behaves so intolerably towards them? How can you, in particular, bear to be with a man who clearly harbours sexual fantasies about his mother and won’t take your side against a woman who hates you? What is there to love? Perhaps, when he’s not getting up to all this with his mum, he’s a generous provider, a wonderful lover, an exemplary father, and is kindness itself whenever you are ill or low. But you don’t mention any of this. So I don’t understand how you can say you love him.

Perhaps you depend on him– a completely different thing. Perhaps you are frightened of leaving him – though obviously that would be the best thing to do, because he’s not going to change. Perhaps he has threatened you with violence if you leave or perhaps you’ve got no friends or nowhere to go? But none of those constitute loving him.

One of the reasons mother and daughter-in-law relationships are often so fragile is because mothers and sons have been so close when they were growing up. There’s been all that cuddling and breastfeeding, even, when small, sleeping together – a physical closeness that most children don’t have quite so intensely with their fathers. That’s why sons – and mothers – often feel they need to erect quite strong boundaries when the sons get older, to prevent the relationship becoming incestuous. Sons often go through a stage in their development, during puberty, when they become suddenly private about everything, wanting to distance themselves from their mums. They don’t like seeing their mothers in revealing clothes. They don’t like to be kissed in public – or private. They lock the door to the shower room and, afterwards, swathed in towels, race for their bedrooms to dress alone. Absolutely right.

But it seems as if your bloke hasn’t gone through this stage. He’s just become closer and closer to his mother, never cut his apron strings and never learnt to develop a new, adult, relationship with his mother. And his mother, instead of putting up boundaries herself, has gone along with it.

You’ll have to tell your partner that either you move back to where you lived originally, when things weren’t so intense, or that he comes to counselling with you if he wants to save your relationship.

Because, for you, this relationship is intolerable. While you do nothing, you’re actually, in a passive way, almost condoning it. Get him to stop it. Or leave.

Readers say...

Run like hell

Run, Sheila, run as fast as you can from this creepy pair. My husband’s mother was obsessed with him – it came way too close to being incestuous. Luckily, it was all one-sided and he found it embarrassing how she flounced around him in scanty nightwear when we visited and behaved like a jealous schoolgirl towards me, who she clearly hated. It wasn’t personal – she would have hated anyone he had chosen to marry. They are obsessed and will never change. Stop being part of this weird ménage à trois and get out now and find someone without an oedipal complex.

name and address supplied

You deserve better

You say nothing positive about yourself or your relationships. Do things that you enjoy and energise you, by yourself and with others. Learn to respect and value yourself. Think about your boundaries. Tell your partner you love him, say why, say what works. Then say what you’re unhappy with. Own the conversation. It is not normal, appropriate or acceptable for your partner to watch mother-and-son porn, have voyeuristic photos of his mother on his phone and kiss her on the lips.

Challenge her gently, too. When she belittles you, say “I don’t feel that’s kind”. Your partner may need to work independently, maybe with a counsellor, to develop more appropriate, separate relationships with you and with her.

Maybe you’ve put up with similar behaviour before and would do again. You could choose not to. If you don’t challenge his behaviour, yours may not be the last relationship he loses, either. Give him a chance to sort this out but don’t put up with it for long. You deserve better.

C Blockley, Gloucester

Think of your future

I feel very strongly that this situation is never going to resolve itself to allow you and your partner to have a normal future together. You may have to give him the ultimatum of choosing either you or your mother, and I can’t see either option working out, frankly. The whole situation is just far too weird for any “normal” person to put up with, and if I were you I’d be running for the hills! You may love him, but you must think of your sanity and your future.

Ian Bown by email

Next week's dilemma

I’ve got a lot of driving to do over this holiday period – visiting friends and relations all over the country. To my horror, I have found that as I get older – I’m 67 – I have become almost phobic about going on motorways and driving at night, which really limits me in winter. I try to keep to ordinary roads and drive in daylight, but will this fear be with me for ever? I feel my life getting really restricted and don’t like it at all. I hate going by train and anyway it always put everyone else out as they have to come and pick me up. Do I have to accept it all as part of ageing?

Yours sincerely, Teresa

What would you advise Teresa to do?

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