virgin on the Net

The continuing adventures of a newbie, as e-mailed to a friend

Wed 28 Feb 1996 19.57.10

Dear Hot-skis. Thanks for the tip. I'd put the machine out to grass, but I'll re-install it and try your method.

Thur 29 Feb 1996

20.03.56

Dear Hot-skis. Success! It's really simple, if you know how. Just a matter of starting to walk and pull at the same time. Going off to try a full programme now.

Fri 1 Mar

23.23.14

Rudy, ol' mate. Much to report. A major advance on the fitness front. A couple of nights ago some guy from Seattle finally left a message in the small hours telling me how to use the skier. I pulled it in from the "shed", cleaned it down a bit, re-erected it, climbed on and stayed on. Nadine sneered at first. But I've done three sessions now, starting with a three-minute "getting to know you", graduating to five minutes and then 10 (which I completed just now. As I write the sweat is running in healthy rivulets down my back). I anticipate that by the time of your next visit a new, svelte Digby will be at the airport to greet you.

Wild Man, Wild Horse is going well, too, thanks to my new friend, Arianna from Tombstone. This gal is promising to send me all the stuff I need - and it sounds as though she's cute, too. And no, you're not getting her e-mail address - I know you, you horny devil, and you're a whole ocean closer to her.

Speaking of America - can you send me that recipe for your Rudymentary Tacos? Got 'orrible Hera, the Harpie from Hell, coming over with her poor battered bloke tomorrow and it's my turn to cook. Nadine says one more bolognese or macaroni cheese and she'll vom on the tablecloth. Never (she says) has she encountered such a dearth of culinary imagination, or am I (she inquires) just prejudiced against food that requires both knife and fork to eat it?, etc etc. I tell her "I like to cook what I like to eat", but it doesn't wash. We both know I really mean, "I like to cook what I like to eat that takes no effort to cook." I can get off the hook only if I manage to concoct something easy, which is also new. The novelty gains me bonus Nadine Points that the laziness loses.

Finally, two new news-groups that I've discovered: alt.a.monkey.cute and alt.adoption.latvian.babies. There are some odd things going on out there!

Sig Dig

Sat 2 Mar

11.12.33

Rudy. Thanks. But you should do something about your spelling! sig dig

Sat 3 Mar

17.28.37

Dear Arianna. Good to hear from you! Sorry about the obscure language - you know what we Britons are like! Philistine means someone who deliberately doesn't like art, literature - that kind of thing. I am desperately trying to download your photo, cos I would love to see what you really look like, but I haven't quite got the knack. One day I'll work out how to send mine to you, as you ask.

Strange query, but necessary for the book, I know that cowboys wore denims and chaps, but did they really wear pink long-johns, as in the movies? I can't claim to be an expert on undergarments of the Old West.

I must go. It's my turn to cook and Jed is waiting.

Love, Digby

Sun 4 Mar

02.36.09

Rudy. I am writing this before attempting to get some sleep on the sofa to which I have been banished, in part thanks to your lack of even basic education. I didn't even realise that you knew any French words - I somehow just assumed that "spouson" in your horrible typing meant a soup-spoonful, rather than (as I now realise) "soupcon". Having never used cayenne pepper before, I wasn't alert to full possibilities of such an error. Hera is probably washing bits of Nadine's tacos out of her repellent beehive right now. Expect me on your doorstep soon, having joined the huddled masses yearning to be free. In the meantime, whatever you do, don't give recipe to anyone else. In your country guys get shot for less.

Sig tired and emotional Dig