Star Wars: May the Force be with those dweebs in the cinema queue

Donald MacInnes won't be queuing for a ticket to see Harrison "Terylene slacks" Ford and Carrie "Tena Lady" Fisher reprise their roles for a whole new generation of social nobodies

Donald Macinnes
Friday 23 October 2015 21:25
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Today's 500 words (or thereabouts) deals with demand and supply. Actually, to be more precise, what we shall be examining this week is demand and the promise of supply. In a galaxy far, far away. Plus booking fee.

Well done. You've guessed it. It concerns the online ticketing problems caused by the 17 December release of the new Star Wars film, which bears the far-from-thrilling secondary title The Force Awakens.

(One quick point of order: I was always led to believe that The Force was, as described in the Rada-sinewy diction of Sir Alec Guinness, "an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us. It binds the galaxy together". If that's the case; if it is now "awakening", then it must have been sleeping. Really? Binding the galaxy together. While sleeping. That's impressive. All my six-month-old son can manage while asleep is to fill his nappy.

Anyway, back to those ticketing problems. It seems both the Odeon and Picturehouse chains' websites started to cough and wheeze under the onslaught of so many thousands of drooling dweebs intent on being in the queue to see the movie four minutes before any of their dweebie friends.

Picturehouse said it had experienced "unprecedented" demand. Some distraught nerds even took to their safety valve of choice, Twitter, to moan about the cinemas' lack of foresight and how they intended to "go down there with my lightsaber and slice them a new bottom".

But it wasn't all darkness for the galactic popcorn alliance (GPA). A spokesman for Vue cinemas said it had sold 10,000 tickets in an hour and a half and added, with a visible sneer: "Our customers continue to purchase online with ease." Well, give yourself a gold star and see me after class, Vue cinemas.

Personally, I won't be queuing for a ticket to see Harrison "Terylene slacks" Ford and Carrie "Tena Lady" Fisher reprise their roles for a whole new generation of social nobodies. As a very old person – and I have discussed this incident in these pages before – I actually saw the original Star Wars movie on its very first day of release in Glasgow back in 1731, just before the repeal of the Corn Laws.

Indeed, my dedication to The Force and eagerness to experience it was such that I managed to open the taxi's door before the vehicle had come to a complete stop and thus arrived at the front door of the Odeon cinema in the midst of a face-first skid. With significant bleeding in the immediate vicinity of my R2-D2.

Thus I'm not going to get too critical of those who are hiccupping with excitement at the launch of the new film. At least their giddiness is borne of a real thrill at the imminent buzz they will experience when the movie starts and that famous theme begins, transporting them to another galaxy. No, I would never criticise anyone for that kind of excitement. Unlike the morons who queue overnight for the new iPhone. What a bunch of Wookiees.

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