From Ariane to Atlanta: when things go wrong, it's time to bash a boffin

BUNHILL

Computer software has had a bad week. First the system at the Olympics went bananas, then it was announced that it was a software problem that made the Ariane rocket blow itself up.

I turned to the most famous software engineer in America to find out what it felt like to be in such an ill-reputed profession. Dilbert is a cartoon character, created by Scott Adams, who spends his time being kicked around by his managers. In the Dilbert Principle, which will be published in September in Britain, the hero explains his job to a class of school children. "The goal of every engineer is to retire without getting blamed for a major catastrophe," he says. "Engineers prefer to work as 'consultants' on project teams. That way there's no real work and blame is spread across the group."

Mr Adams, who used to be a software engineer himself, sums up the risk/reward ratio for the profession thus:

Risk: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.

Reward: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

I recently travelled on the Eurostar train to visit my cousin, the Marquis de Col de Croissant, in Paris, France. Very good it is too, except that it seems to think it is an aeroplane. I was given airline drinks, airline food (including a cream tea with a small bottle of Chardonnay) and was then asked if I needed a "landing card" to keep the British authorities happy.

I think a trained train counsellor should plonk Eurostar down in his chair and get it to come to terms with the fact that it cannot fly. It may cause short-term anguish, and even make the train miss the tunnel occasionally - but in the long term it would surely lead to a better-balanced and happier service.

Manners maketh

I was chatting to the Marquis about the differences between cultures. He said, spluttering over his Gauloise, that the trouble with the English was that we did not eat snails. I tapped the floor severely with my umbrella and noted that it was no surprise that the French were bad drivers because they all had onions slung over their shoulders. Such is our sophistication!

We agreed, anyway, that I should ask my new friend Richard Lewis, an expert on the difference between cultures, to draw up a test to see if we were as knowledgeable about such things as we believed. He kindly agreed, and I am delighted to share his test with you. You will find it provides invaluable fodder if your next dinner party flags. All you have to do is to say whether these statements are true or false. The answers are printed below, upside-down of course.

1) Every guest must separately toast the hostess at a Swedish dinner party if more than eight people are present.

2) Mexicans are supposed to keep their hands on the table during a meal.

3) Shaking hands with women is acceptable in Indonesia.

4) Japanese chief executives occasionally commit suicide if the company goes bankrupt.

5) Malaysians often point with the right thumb, for politeness.

6) Indonesians often duck when meeting an older person in the street.

7) In Indonesia, children should be patted on the head as a sign of affection.

8) When meeting for the first time in a day, Chinese acquaintances will invariably ask you if you have eaten.

9) It is impolite to blow your nose in front of others in Japan.

10) Dutch people often sit next to the taxi driver, rather than in the back.

A former wearer of this wig once ran a competition to find easy ways for the Chancellor to raise revenue. Suggestions ranged from a caravan duty (ideally high enough to drive them off the roads) to a tax on the male organ (the amount would be proportionate to size, so it would be the only tax where people (well, maybe only male people) would want to pay more).

As a pedant, I would now like to propose a tax on companies which confuse our already confused children by deliberately misspelling things. In partic- ular, I would like to suggest that the Revenue descend with thunderous wrath on a company called Wolseley. It started making sheep shearing machines (the car was a spin-off) but is now the largest supplier of plumbing supplies in the country. And there lies the rub, because the trade name for its depots is Plumb Center. Sic. And appalling.

Mind you, there may be a case for taxing pedants who are caught out. I discovered only recently that the use of the word "contact" as a verb was as unacceptable in the 1930s as "impact" is now. The OED says it is "originally US colloquial", and that the first time anyone "contacted" anyone else was in 1927. I humbly admit to having used contact as a verb, and intend to send a silver threepence to the Treasury by way of compensation.

By the way, if you have other ideas for useful taxes, do let me know. My former colleague is in Australia now, so he is not going to know I have stolen his idea. And there could be some bottles of fizz in it for you.

Answers:

1) False - individual toasts must be drunk only if there are seven people or fewer. Beyond this the hostess might fall over.

2) True of men - to show they do not have their hands on their guns.

3) True - the only Muslim country where it is.

4) True - in 1992 1,526 did.

5) True.

6) True - their heads must be lower.

7) False - the head is sacred.

8) True.

9) True.

10) True - they are an egalitarian bunch.