How not to make the big time: Dom Joly shares 39 lessons from his showbiz career

Avoid Gillian McKeith, don't drink and tweet, and keep your hands off Slash's whiskey...

Handy tips: Dom Joly (left) in a promotional image for Trigger Happy TV

1. Never attend any awards ceremonies at which you are neither presenting nor accepting an award. You will become bored and restless, get drunk and start hurling abuse at Elton John and Jonny Wilkinson. You might find yourself banned for life from the GQ Men of the Year Awards (no great loss).

2. Never take either Ant or Dec aside and whisper that he is much more talented than "the other one" while hugging him.

3. If you find yourself at a urinal next to a member of Pink Floyd, do not stare at their penis while thinking of something meaningful to say about Wish You Were Here.

4. When being wooed by the BBC at the River Café, do not look in blatant disbelief at Alan Yentob when he claims that Mick Jagger is on the phone.

5. Do not reverse your car into the Head of BBC Entertainment's car on your first day at the BBC and then call him an "idiot" who needs to "learn to drive".

6. Do not put a camera on a remote-control gnome-car and send it into the ladies' loo at Television Centre.

7. Do not start every episode of your BBC1 show with you standing in front of a different "Wonder of the World" while telling a bemused member of the public, "That… is shit…" The Daily Mail will be very unhappy with your use of the licence fee.

8. If you turn up for work at the Beeb and you find that your pass no longer works, take the hint. You have been fired but nobody has the guts to tell you. Enter the building using a visitor's pass, pack your things and leave mainstream showbiz.

Never take either Ant or Dec aside and whisper that he is much more talented than 'the other one' while hugging him (Getty) (Getty Images)

9. When appearing live on a chat show hosted by Patrick Kielty in Belfast, do not pretend to get lost while walking on. The audience will not get the joke and think you are an idiot. Do not make things worse by inquiring as to why we couldn't film the show in London?

10. When appearing on Loose Women, do not worry about the terrible empty feeling you get – this is standard.

11. If on a TV reality show, never be honest and say, "I have no idea who any of you are…" Just bluff it until you work stuff out. If in doubt, they are normally in Towie, Emmerdale or once played football.

12. Never drink and tweet.

13. However tempting, never be rude about a whole town. Local newspapers love nothing better and will run a double-page spread involving the mayor burning an effigy of you, a market trader saying that you were "never funny" and the council announcing that you are banned from the town.

Speak quietly while on your mobile phone in public (Channel 4)

14. Never go to Weston-super-Mare.

15. Question the director as to why it is necessary for you to wear driving gloves in your lucrative car-ferry TV commercial.

16. Do not tell the Radio Times that you refuse to share the cover with anybody else. You will never be asked again.

17. Do not do Question Time… ever. You will always look stupid.

18. Do not pretend to be Portuguese and confused when asked whether you're "Dom Joly" by a fan at an airport, who then sits next to you for a 12-hour plane journey.

19. Never surreptitiously follow an ex-member of the Clash around west London for an hour "just to see what he gets up to". He will know you are following him and get very freaked out.

20. Avoid Gillian McKeith.

Dom prepares to ski down volcanic scree at Cerro Negro in Nicaragua (Channel 5)

21. When faced with a sign for "Dim Jelly" by a man picking you up at an airport, remember to keep the sign for posterity.

22. When travelling the world doing a show "investigating alcohol", do not repeatedly ring the Sky TV lawyer at three in the morning to check whether the drink you are having is "in context".

23. Do not be rude about anybody, as you will inevitably meet them the next day and they will be lovely.

24. Do not get excited when invited on to Later… With Jools Holland and try to become close friends with Slash. Do not sit at his table, steal his Jack Daniel's and suggest that "we all go back to my place and party…" He will find you annoying.

25. Whoever you are filming for when abroad, always say the words "BBC", as it is the only thing anybody has ever heard of.

Number 20: Avoid Gillian McKeith (Getty) (Getty Images)

26. Speak quietly while on your mobile phone in public.

27. Nothing is ever "not funny". Comedy is subjective.

28. I once did a sketch where the camera panned up from a headline reading "Hamburger Escapes" to find me running down a road dressed as a large hamburger. That was not funny.

29. Do not go to the newspapers to complain that TV executives have "nicked" your idea for a TV show and made their own version. You were correct but it won't help you.

30. When Channel 5 sends you to Nicaragua to make a show as part of an expensive travel series then never airs any of said series, don't complain, just enjoy the experience. Nobody understands what goes on at Channel 5.

Do not get excited when invited on to Later… With Jools Holland and try to become close friends with Slash (Getty) (Getty Images)

31. Do not ring friends and insist they put money on you winning a high-diving competition on telly. They will watch you nearly break your back live then demand a refund.

32. Avoid having children – they are the death of creativity (though ironically the best thing that you'll ever produce).

33. Do not believe anything anyone in America ever tells you.

34. Enjoy going to meetings in America where everyone always says yes.

35. Never do stuff for the money… unless the money is really good.

Dom appeared alongside Tom Daley on the BBC's Splash!

36. Never agree to have the entire contents of your house removed for a TV show concept and not tell your wife.

37. Wonder whether you are qualified to do anything else.

38. Accept reality.

39. Enjoy yourself.

'Here Comes the Clown: A Stumble Through Showbusiness' by Dom Joly is published by Simon & Schuster, priced £18.99