Pandering to the goalkeeper's fear of normality

Peter Schmeichel was at it again on Thursday night, charging up to the other end of the pitch to seek a late equaliser for Aston Villa in their Uefa Cup match. Of course, it had to be an overhead kick that he tried, didn't it? What is it with these goalkeepers?

It has long been a fundamental assumption within football that your average keeper is a different animal. Not just in terms of what he does – marking his territory like a rutting stag, impersonating a tic-tac man in times of stress, shouting like a lunatic at people who aren't listening to him or couldn't hear him above the crowd even if they wanted to – but in terms of his attitude to the game.

Like stand-up comics, goalkeepers submit themselves to the harshest and most obvious judgement. Their failure is unmistakeable; when it all goes wrong, unlike the busy colleagues in front of them, they are centre stage.

Given the pressure under which they operate, perhaps we shouldn't be surprised that the men between the posts habitually desert them on their flights of fancy.

The goalkeeper's fantasy is a pretty stock one, along the lines of having it away with your secretary or being seduced by an older woman. If your average custodian is moved to leave his ground, you don't often find him roaring into a midfield defensive holding position.

That is not to say that keepers don't also fancy themselves as ball winners, but this is a legitimate extension of their function they are sometimes called upon to exercise around or just beyond the perimeters of their penalty area.

Such activity, by and large, serves only to point up another great sporting truth. Once a goalie leaves his area he is a free-kick waiting to happen. You don't have to be mad to be a keeper, but you do have to be unable to resist tackling like a snow plough.

Goalkeepers, it should be said, are not the only team members who are spectacularly unadaptable. Forwards called back to defend often appear to have the same hazy idea of what is and is not within the laws of the game; perhaps they work under an assumption that if they trip people up or handle the ball near their own goal, they should be given the benefit of the doubt because they are showing willing even to be there.

Occasionally, a goalkeeper will attempt a variation on the classic theme of being a liability, as when Colombia's Rene Higuita set out on what seemed like a serious attempt to dribble through the entire Cameroon team during the 1990 World Cup. The Beautiful Game can only give thanks to Roger Milla for dispossessing him and going on to score in the empty net.

But for your average absentee keeper, the goal's the thing. Not for nothing did the disgruntled goalie in the advert wistfully assert "I'm centre-forward next week." It is an obsession that is fed by the occasional startling examples of success. Pat Jennings' achievement in scoring for Spurs direct from a drop-kick against Manchester United in the 1967 Charity Shield is part of goalkeeping folklore, but your average custodian-adventurer is more likely to be motivated by the recent example of Jimmy Glass.

This particular goalkeeper managed to score for Carlisle United in the last game of the 1998-99 season to earn them the victory which kept them in the Football League. And the goal came in the 92nd minute. And it was headed in from a corner. And he was only on loan.

As he raced downfield before being mobbed by disbelieving team-mates and supporters, I wonder if Glass had any idea of what he had done. Sure, he'd done Carlisle a good turn – but he had also encouraged a whole new generation of demented glory hunters in green jerseys.

To be fair to Schmeichel – if we must – his late dramatics at Villa Park were probably prompted by the memory of his own rare success during the 1995-96 Uefa Cup, when he succeeded in scoring for Manchester United during an upfield foray.

I used to play on a Sunday with a centre-forward whose Saturday existence was spent between the posts for Barnet in the Conference. Keith was a proper keeper, but he was a decent scorer in Sunday terms, and I can't help thinking he had got the balance right. I have a theory that after Schmeichel retires he will join a little pub team where he will be the most prolific, and selfish, scorer they have ever had. I also predict that he will celebrate each goal as if it has just secured his side the European Cup.

Doesn't bear thinking about, actually.