England v Sweden: Amazing, everything, it’s coming home – alternative World Cup commentary, from Mark Steel and Shappi Khorsandi

Follow every twist and turn of England's quarter-final match against Sweden in Samara

Sweden v England_ World Cup quarter-final match preview

So, this is it – the most exciting moment since, well, 2006, when the England football team last appeared in a World Cup quarter-final. Back then we got squished by the mighty Brazil. Today we have the chance of being squished by dull old Sweden.

Most crucially, can the English nation handle the kind of excitement that had grown men and women crying out in despair during Tuesday’s match against Colombia?

And where better to discover the kind of good, relaxing company you’ll need for the coming 90 minutes (or maybe more – eek), than right here at The Independent’s World Cup alternative live blog, where footballing experts Mark Steel and Shappi Khorsandi will be following every kick, slap, slip and tackle.

Stick with us people and follow all the live action below

Key Points

• England triumph in serene victory
• Dele Alli increases England's win to 2-0
• Gareth Southgate hopes to make history
• England progress to their first World Cup semi-final since 1990

[7 July 2018 15:43 · daniel.khalili-tari]

Mark Steel: I think the Swedish tactic of pumping up a long ball to no one, every seven minutes, is in hope of Zlatan Ibrahimovic coming out of retirement and bursting onto the pitch to score and this being somehow missed by VAR.

[7 July 2018 15:43 · daniel.khalili-tari]

England's Harry Maguire celebrates scoring his side's first goal of the game (PA) 

[7 July 2018 15:51 · daniel.khalili-tari]

Mark Steel: At half time, Raheem Sterling needs to be shown the headlines planned for the Daily Mail if he doesn't score. 

[7 July 2018 16:00 · daniel.khalili-tari]

Mark Steel:​ Right, I'll only say this once… we'd be three up if Wilfried Zaha was on playing either left or right-wing, up front or in goal.

[7 July 2018 16:00 · daniel.khalili-tari]

England fans react after their team scored the opening goal against Sweden (EPA) 

[7 July 2018 16:08 · daniel.khalili-tari]

Shappi Khorsandi: Cameras cut to Swedes cheering. The words that come out of my mouth are “don’t care how pretty you are darling, you’re going to lose”. Fair to say my desperation for England to win isn’t bringing out the best in me.

[7 July 2018 16:12 · daniel.khalili-tari]

Mark Steel:​ Jordan Pickford's earned the right to scream at anyone he likes after making some phenomenal saves for England, including his defence, the fans, Kyle Walker's mum and even Vladimir Putin. 

[7 July 2018 16:17 · daniel.khalili-tari]

Shappi Khorsandi: What a header by Dele Alli. 

[7 July 2018 16:24 · daniel.khalili-tari]

Shappi Khorsandi: Amazing, everything! If I had run over to my neighbour opposite I’d have missed England's second goal too. All my neighbours are WhatsApping. We daren’t leave our houses for fear of missing a moment.

[7 July 2018 16:31 · daniel.khalili-tari]

Shappi Khorsandi: We made a dash for it to the neighbour opposite among the England furore. I find my son and his footie mad mate ignoring the game because they want to be playing themselves, while us mothers guzzle prosecco on the edge of our seats.