The Last Word: From aliens at FA to yak’s milk in the Tour, here’s to 2015

Michael Calvin takes a look at the more unlikely predictions that could happen in the sporting world in 2015

Former goalkeeper turned guru David Icke (left) greets a board member on his arrival at the FA (Getty Images)

A year of predictable scandals, familiar underachievement and theatrical truculence is drawing to a close. Modern sport remains largely unedifying, only occasionally uplifting. It is no place for dreamers.

We should heed the call of the Great Leader, Sepp Blatter, and look forward instead of backwards. Subject to the usual reminder to m’learned friends, that we are not being entirely serious, here is a summary of potential sporting highlights of the next 12 months.

January

Roger Draper appointed as new Football Association chief executive, despite disastrous tenure at Lawn Tennis Association. He immediately courts controversy by sanctioning £100,000 “investment” in executive washrooms at Wembley. Neil Warnock, the Premier League’s first managerial casualty, named as new president of National Farmers’ Union. Harry Redknapp signs eight players for QPR, including Kanu and Emmanuel Adebayor, in last week of winter transfer window.

Spurs striker Emmanuel Adebayor

February

Senior Fifa officials seek refuge in Ecuadorian embassy in Berne after indications from Swiss government that they will accept extradition requests from FBI. Sports Direct sponsors the FA Cup as part of deal in which St George’s Park is sold to Mike Ashley, and turned into a theme park.

March

Brendan Rodgers cites Bill Shankly, Ken Dodd and Stephen Clark, professor emeritus of philosophy at the University of Liverpool, as his “Holy Trinity” in dedicating League Cup win to his adopted city. England, beaten earlier by Scotland, eliminated from cricket’s interminable World Cup after losing to Afghanistan in Sydney. ECB blames timing of the fixture – Friday the 13th – for the humiliation.

New England ODI captain Eoin Morgan

April

John Birt succeeds Draper as FA chief executive and insists Roy Hogdson studies King Lear as part of a leadership-awareness course with the Royal Shakespeare Company. Rory McIlroy refuses BBC interviews after his eight-shot win in the Masters, preferring to stay in Butler’s Cabin in the grounds of Augusta National and wash his hair. Fabio Capello, branded an “enemy of the people” by Russian president Vladimir Putin, returns to England as Watford’s seventh manager of the season.

May

Hamilton Academical win the Scottish League by defeating Celtic 2-1 on their artificial pitch on the final day of the season. QPR enter administration after relegation to the Championship. Frank Lampard named No 2 to Manchester City’s new manager, Jürgen Klopp. Karren Brady, post-election leader of the House of Lords, confirms Government will allow West Ham to occupy Olympic Stadium without cost.

Lampard is currently on loan at Manchester City

June

China tops medal table at World Swimming Championships in the Russian city of Kazan. India cancel scheduled series against Bangladesh and insist on replacing New Zealand in two-Test tour of England, including a round-robin T20 tournament with Australia. Giles Clarke, new ICC chairman, hails “democracy in action”. David Icke named new FA chief executive following resignation of Birt.

July

Andy Murray, coached by his mother Judy, loses titanic Wimbledon semi-final to fellow Brit Fred Scroggins, a novice discovered on an LTA training weekend with the Royal Marines. Ganzorig Shaliymov, a Mongolian yak herder in his first year in cycling, wins Tour de France for Astana, who claim his remarkable durability is result of his fondness for fermented mare’s milk.

Andy Murray endured a 2014 to forget

August

Alastair Cook named England cricket captain for life after winning the Ashes by anchoring decisive run-chase with a four-hour innings of 35 in Fifth Test at The Oval. Celebrations disrupted by a drone announcing that Kevin Pietersen is new X Factor judge. New Rangers owner Mike Ashley replaces the club’s traditional blue strip with a bar-code kit.

September

Mario Balotelli signs for Atletico de Kolkata in the Indian Super League, but is immediately banned for an injudicious tweet. Icke, who leaves a note saying he has been transported to the planet Zarg, is replaced as FA chief executive by Audley Harrison. The boxer intends to borrow Wembley for his comeback fight against Frank Bruno.

Liverpool striker Mario Balotellu

October

David Haye pulls out of world heavyweight title fight against Wladimir Klitschko due to the trauma of discovering he has split ends. England goalkeeper Joe Hart joins his backroom team as grooming coach. Sam Burgess scores decisive late try in 17-15 victory over All Blacks, which crowns England as world rugby champions. Sir Clive Woodward claims the credit.

November

Former Ferrari president Luca di Montezemolo leads coup against Bernie Ecclestone, and immediately cancels plans for a North Korean Grand Prix. Clubs revolt against rugby league’s reorganisation, complaining play-off system is contrived, confusing and responsible for poor crowds.

F1 Supremo Bernie Ecclestone

December

Anderson, former Manchester United midfielder, wins World Pie Eating Championships in Wigan. Sir Bradley Wiggins, who is drafted in as rhythm guitarist for The Who’s extended 50th anniversary tour, celebrates landing the Christmas No 1 with ‘Won’t get fooled again’.