Sport on TV: Blow-by-blow coverage fails to pack a punch

ON MONDAY evening, after Brian Lara had spent the afternoon clobbering his way to that record 501, the sports section of the Nine O'Clock News (BBC 1) led, inevitably, with cricket.

Unfortunately, it led with the wrong bit - England's Test victory over New Zealand, a match which was all over, bar the shouting, before the weekend. In fact, you would not have had to be Russell Grant to predict its outcome sometime before last Christmas.

What was going on in that newsroom planning meeting? 'We've got this Great Train Robbery story: but let's go big on the sweet shop burglary in Huntingdon.' Still, there's always next time. Possibly.

This week's other noisy headline was also about clobbering, but it came out of the Eastern Province v England rugby match in South Africa and had the smack of the tediously obvious about it. In essence, it read: Rugby Players Found Behaving Like Thugs. Next week: Exposed] Union Players Use Non-Round Ball.

As seen on ITV, the first-half brawl, which led to the two sendings-off, was a sickening sight, the more so for coming almost directly after a bit of cocky, saloon bar talk from our commentators, the former internationals John Taylor and Steve Smith. Just nine minutes in and the game was already tetchy and niggly. 'Port Elizabeth are known as being a side that can suddenly explode,' offered Taylor, with a side-order of relish. 'The last thing we want is a flare-up,' said Smith, who sounds unnervingly like Kevin Keegan. 'But if they start it, I'm sure our lads won't just take it.' Yeah. Woorrggh. Bleaggh. Aarrgh.

In the event, I think it's fair to say 'they' started it: looking at the replays, you seem to see Eastern Province's Simon Tremain slug England's Tim Rodber - who is on his knees at this point, after slipping in pursuit of the ball - twice on the chin. But it's equally fair to say that 'we' did our darndest to finish it. Once Rodber manages to work himself back to his feet, he is directly into Tremain, thumping his head at least six times, brawling like a thug. The stunning thing is how far his arm goes back before it comes forward to make those punches. We're not dealing with a sportsman in a tiff here; we're dealing with a dog off a leash.

What punishment would have suited the offence? A fine? A suspension? What about an extensive spell on a psychiatric ward and a period of care in the community? Soft-pedalling, the disciplinary tribunal decided that the sending-off was enough. 'We don't condone this attitude of these players,' said a spokesman before disappearing off down a corridor to pick up his own personal copy of the video. You could hardly claim the verdict made that clear. In fact, it seemed to be giving retaliation a hearty thumbs up and a generous contract for the new season.

The dilemma exercised our panel back in the studio - the coach Ian McGeechan and the England scrum-half Kyran Bracken, who looks like a member of Take That after a milk and steak diet. Both of them had a go at looking morally repulsed by the incident, but neither had the inclination to lay it on the line for Rodber. In fact, Bracken blamed the referee, which was remarkable given that the ref was the only person on the pitch who clearly did not throw a punch or stamp on a head at any stage.

McGeechan, for his part, offered the opinion that defence was the best form of attack in these matters, and warmly remembered the old British Lions tactic in which, at a given signal, the entire team would retaliate against any illegal act of aggression. 'It's one thing the South Africans understand,' he said. Yeah. Woorrggh. Bleaggh. Aarrgh.

It's worth staying up or setting the video to catch Nigel ManseIl's IndyCar 500 - or rather Nigel ManseIl's IndyCar 500 Sponsored by Texaco, to give it its full title - which ITV beams out in that early morning scrubland occupied by cheap video preview programmes and no-hoper rock bands. Showing a race-report compered by Mansell at a time when most people are already asleep might just be a canny pre-emptive measure by ITV, but in fact the series is developing into an unintentional comedy worthy of peak time.

Nigel's season is not going terribly well at the moment and he is not the kind of person to suspend his disappointment in the interests of delivering the goods as a perky TV host. In the last round, a careless rookie somehow landed a car on Nigel's engine and sent a plume of hot water up the backside of his boiler suit. 'I think it's disgraceful,' he said, perhaps not seeing the funny side. 'I'm totally disillusioned . . . it's an absolute disgrace.' This week, Nigel was half a mile down the grid for the start in Milwaukee. 'Not qualified too well,' he droned as the show opened, 'but I'm glad to be back with you.'

Glad all over, I'm sure. Mansell is sponsored by Texaco and pretty well everyone else you can think of with the exception of Bruce Forsyth.